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If you Had Told Me…

31 Wednesday Dec 2025

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It is December 31, 2025.
My life has looked very different than I thought it would at the beginning of the year; if I am honest, it looks very different than it did the last time I wrote here.

If you had told me that I would barely write a single thing that wasn’t work-related or a social media post for nearly two years, I would have laughed in your face. Writing is my safe place, where I make sense of the world, of course I would write… Wouldn’t I?

And yet, it’s true. I have both had so much and so little to say that anything that might have come out of me would be almost nonsensical and unfit for public consumption. However, I get asked somewhat regularly if I plan on writing again.
The answer is yes.

If you had told me that I would lose my job, spend five months in the hellscape that is jobhunting in 2025, and then find a job that feels so perfect for me that sometimes I have to pinch myself, I wouldn’t have believed you.

And yet, here I am – a month after starting a new job and meeting people whose names I’m still putting with voices and definitely messing up occasionally and feeling like I actually know what I’m doing even though the onboarding has gone… interestingly.

If you had told me that I would not run anything longer than 10km for the entire year, I would have told you that’s not possible.

And yet, it happened. I was injured both mentally and physically, and don’t know when I will get my get up and go again… but I registered for a marathon in five months, so I’d better get up and go!

If you had told me that I would seriously start making jewelry again, I would have said that I wanted to, but didn’t have the time, between work and school and life.

And yet I attended one market this year – my first since the pandemic – and joined a fundraiser to help rescued and abandoned animals find their forever homes. I have so many beads and supplies, and so many ideas, that I almost feel overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

If you had told me that I would leave an animal rescue organization I had been a part of for years, and the reasons behind it, I would’ve told you that I saw it coming and just needed the push to go. I would find another rescue to support, and enjoy the comraderie with new colleagues while I stay in touch with a few I left behind.

If you had told me that my little family would gain a fifth cat – one that literally showed up on my doorstep – one that got along with every single other animal in the house (including the cat that doesn’t like change or other cats very much) I would’ve wondered what you’d been consuming, and if you’d mind sharing. A fifth cat was not in the cards for our zoo; the zoo is full!

And yet, our newest addition is sleeping off his neuter procedure this afternoon and hoping that we’ll bring his friends over to party with him.

If you had told me that I would wake up in the mornings, take a deep breath and feel my lungs fill with air, and like I had energy to do whatever I have to without a gnawing sense of dread, I would have asked you what that feels like, because I don’t remember.

And yet…
I am here.
I am writing.
I am working.
I plan to go running.
I am creating.
I am contributing through volunteerism.
And I am able to give a home to the sweetest little tabby cat in the world (no, really!)
I am here.
And I am not going anywhere.

2023: The Year of Treading Water

31 Sunday Dec 2023

Posted by in Guide Dog 2.0, Uncategorized

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I look back over the past year, and realize just how much has happened, how hard it’s been, and how little I’ve written about the whole thing. Jenny retired. I trained with a new guide dog who, in October, was diagnosed with a mast cell tumor that thankfully got removed but resulted in a complicated healing process. My schooling misadventures feel like how I tried to write about them earlier this year – fits and starts and momentum and slammed-on brakes. We adopted a fourth cat. I’m going through a period of self-discovery that I’m not ready to discuss yet, but it does bear mentioning here because it’s part of all the things I’ve done in 2023 and will move forward into 2024.

In short… this year has been harder than I ever expected it to be. I feel like I’ve spent most of it treading water, being handed a lifeline (like a new opportunity), and then getting buried by another wave that might not be really massive, but certainly feels like it. But for the first time in most of a year or maybe longer, I feel like I’m breathing now. I know more about what I need to cope, and hope in 2024 I can share more about this self-discovery journey I’m on… but first let’s look back over 2023, such as it was.

Jenny’s Retirement

Jenny has been retired for nearly a year. She showed me in very real ways in the fall of 2022 that she was ready. My decisive dog – who made even incorrect decisions with 100% confidence – was reluctant to make decisions if there was more than one option. I still tear up thinking of the ways she tried to gently tell me she was ready – being more interested in hanging out with other people, general restlessness, slowing down on routes – until she told me in the most obvious way she knew how that she just was ready to be done. She loves retirement, but whenever I can I love taking her on leash trips to pet-friendly places; she loves those trips, too. She loves curling up and napping in her crate, enthusiastically greets me and Yasha, her successor, whenever we get home from work. She’s made friends with our newest cat, who I am convinced should’ve been born a dog. Her life is about snuggles and playtime and love, and she’s loving retirement!

Introducing: Yasha

IN January, 2023, I took a trip to Guiding Eyes for the Blind in New York to train with a 3-year-old yellow Labrador named Yasha. They tell you not to, but I had a hard time not comparing her to Jenny. Both girls are smart, both are stubborn. But where Jenny thought everything work-related was a new adventure and would do just about anything unless there was a very compelling reason not to do that thing, Yasha is more cautious and insists on a “business plan” as to why my decision(s) should override hers. The first year has been challenging in a way Jenny’s first year with me was not. I took her to the vet in October because I had some concerns about some symptoms and behaviors, and it turned out that she had a mast cell tumor. We spent most of October and November in and out of the vet – removal of the tumor, suture check post-surgery, redoing sutures when one or two blew out 10 days post-surgery, redoing sutures ten days after the first set was re-done, staples ten days later because it was clear sutures weren’t working, and then removal of the staples and hoping for the best when all of those didn’t hold. Thankfully, her prognosis is good, and her surgical site has healed over and is growing fur again!

But our first year wasn’t all about surgeries and vet visits – thankfully! We got to travel this year. Our first trip, to Vancouver, was a good experience for us. Like me, people in my life seemed to compare her to Jenny; or at the very least made comments about her hard-headedness, while I was trying to pick my battles with my new young dog. Our trip to California in December was a great team-building experience, because for the most part, it was her and I taking on Sacramento and San Francisco – areas I knew only slightly. She freaking rocked it, and loves the challenge of new places. One of her fun quirks is her “regrouping” strategy; if she figures out that neither of us know what we’re doing, she’ll take me to an out-of-the-way space to take a deep breath, get our bearings, and then come up with a game plan. She’s found great places to do this (like out of the way corners), and less than ideal ones (like bike racks), but I love her intuitiveness and how we are connecting in these ways. As I come up to one year with this smart, stubborn, serious working dog, I am glad we’ve had these times together, and I look forward to so many more adventures.

Yasha, a Yellow Lab, is wearing a teal body suit, and she is laying across my lap. This photo was taken not long after her surgery.

So… we Have a Whole Menagerie!

Jenny retired, I trained and brought home Yasha. My partner trained with and brought home a new service dog of his own. So, in the span of about 3 months, we adopted Madonna (a cute white and black cat that everyone calls “Maddie”), and brought home two new Labrador service dogs. This meant our household included 3 Labrador retrievers, three cats, and two humans.

So what did we do?

We adopted another cat. This one, a boy. Wiley is sweet and funny and a little bit foolish – how else can you describe laying in the middle of the floor, getting tripped on, and still not moving? We named him Wiley because he convinced us that he was a chill, mellow marshmallow of a cat… and then started tipping over water bowls in his excitement to go to a new home. He likes to sit beside me when i drink my coffee in the mornings, and can make a cat toy out of just about anything. Wiley is so sweet. He gets along with the dogs (Yasha’s his best friend in the whole wide world), loves Maddie, doesn’t mind getting bossed around by Monkey, and is still figuring out how not to get the crap beaten out of him by Wolfie. That last one is a work in progress.

Our menagerie makes us laugh every single day. Whether Jenny is trying to play with Wiley, or Monkey’s finding interesting and bizarre places to nap, or Yasha is throwing toys at whoever she wants to play with her… I laugh every single day. There’s almost always someone to snuggle with. There will always be fur on my floors, and I’ve made peace with that; but the love and laughter is worth more to me than perfectly clean floors.

School Is… School!

I’ve written before about how school is going. It’s been great in some areas and extremely frustrating in others. I’ve had course coordinators and tutors be extremely supportive – from making accessible format materials and answering all my questions, to the point of contacting accessibility services on my behalf because “it’s your job to learn the material, and it’s my job to make sure that happens” – and those that were much less helpful. I am finishing two courses right now for which I’ve requested extensions while starting two new ones. Online education for me has been a mixed bag, and I do want to write more about it as I move along this journey. But right now, writing about it seems counter-productive; it feels like I should be doing the school things, rather than writing about them.

Cool Unexpected Opportunities

As much as it feels like I didn’t do much in 2023 because I was so busy treading water and putting one foot in front of the other, I stumbled into some cool new opportunities this year. A friend reached out to me late in 2022 about a local docuseries about guide dogs she was participating in, and thought I could share my story too. At the time, Jenny’s retirement was imminent, and I felt it was just the wrong timing, especially with that experience being so raw and training with a new unknown dog, so I let it go and didn’t contact the creators and (I realize now) just hoped it would go away. But life has a funny way of throwing opportunities back at you. Next thing I knew, I was being interviewed on camera, talking about guide dogs, and – after a few months – viewing the final product. Edmonton’s Guide to Guide Dogs debuted in September and can be found on Youtube and Telus Optic TV. I’m glad I was a part of it, and hope it can entertain and educate about the important work that guide and service dogs do in our city.

On top of that, this year found me opening the door to becoming a real published author! I am one of 15 authors whose stories will be shared in an upcoming publication “Run for your Life”, which will be released in March, 2024. The writing was both easier and harder than I thought it would be; I’d written about running for years now. But telling your story as it is intertwined with other peoples’ is a complicated business. how much can you tell of your story without veering off-course and telling the stories that truly belong to others? I think I succeeded in telling my story, and am excited to hold in my hands a real physical book with my name in it!

Speaking of running… I ran my fastest half marathon in years in Edmonton in August! I also ran the Vancouver Half in May, and had a wonderful time! And in December I ran/walked a marathon! I went back to Sacramento to run the California International Marathon, even though I found out in July that the support that’s been provided to visually impaired runners for the past 15 years would no longer be provided. My training was insufficient (I had a hard time training with guides this fall), and my lack of motivation didn’t help. But I crossed the finish line and made a new friend in my guide runner in the process.

So… now what?

Normally, my partner and I light a fire and burn all the paper and cardboard things we’ve accumulated during the year as a symbol of ushering out old things so we can move forward in the new. But it’s so dry and warm that we have no snow to buffer against the fire. So… I guess… I’m thinking about the fire that will be whenever it’s safe to do so. I’m thinking about all of my hopes for 2024; more writing, more jewelry making, and maybe more music. I plan to run a marathon in 2024, but I will be careful about the race I choose, and make sure ahead of time that I’m able to secure guides regularly to train – the past two years have not made this possible. I hope to get through school and re-discover the joy an excitement that I only now realize has been left behind in much of the frustration I’ve faced over the past few months.

In short… In 2024, I just hope. I hope to breathe. I hope for strength. I hope for grace. And I hope 2024 is gentler to me than 2023 has been.

However the past year has been for you, I hope the coming year brings you love, peace, rest, discovery, joy, and productivity – in whatever healthy ways those things look like for you.

The UBC Back to School Edition: Looking back

02 Sunday Apr 2023

Posted by in Ultimate Blog Challenge, Part 3, Uncategorized

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If I am being honest, I’m surprised I’ve gone back to school. I never in a million years thought I would have the time, funds, or inclination to do so. Truthfully, I’m not sure I really have the funds and time – school can be expensive, and I work, train for races, and volunteer in my community, so time is at a premium – but I have the willingness to learn and finally found something I wanted to study, so… why not?

What Took you So Long?

When I graduated from high school, I thought I wanted to be a translator. I had taken several languages in high school, including French immersion, and thought I would excel interpreting for people or translating documents. I looked at the university courses required, and thought “no thanks!” I was interested in the history of language, and all of the practical courses, but I remember looking at most of the other required courses and getting a headache thinking about them. How in the world could I manage four years of school when more than two thirds of the classes were either impractical or uninteresting to me – why would I need three science courses for a languages degree? Even looking at other areas of study for a degree, I could not find anything that could hold my interest and that I thought would be worth the financial investment and time commitment required. An Arts degree had a bunch of tangential and irrelevant requirements, I did not want to pursue sciences, I’d burned out on math classes and concepts in high school, social work or similar disciplines would be too emotionally taxing for me. The idea of a degree felt both daunting and out of reach, so I walked away from that life path.

I also had practical concerns. Many blind young adults I had known as a teenager had degrees from Bachelor to Masters to Doctorates, and still struggled to find employment. I did not want to slog through four or six or eight years of school, get into massive amounts of debt, and still not be able to afford to keep a roof over my head. In addition, even if I had wanted to walk the path of a four-year degree, in the early ’00s, accessibility of course materials was a real concern. Electronic materials were not always guaranteed to be accessible, braille books were big and clunky and took up a ton of space, and audio records of course materials might not always be appropriate for the course at hand. Both the journey and the destination were not going to be uncomplicated, and could not offer a great return on investment. So, I thought, what was the point in a degree?

Choosing a Different Path

I decided to grab an opportunity for a one-year certificate program in emergency communications. I was trained to answer emergency calls and dispatch emergency vehicles, such as police, fire departments, or ambulances. The course was all practical and useful, and would in some ways tie in to what we would be doing on the job. I faced an unrealistic and discriminatory requirement – put into place by the disability services office, no less – that if I could not find a practicum placement before starting the course, I could not start in September. My classmates could wait until January to find a placement, but I could not; the rationale was that it would be hard to find a placement for me, as it would be to find work, so if I couldn’t find a practicum, there was no point in starting. Thankfully, I had connections in the industry and had written commitments from all over Canada and the United States for emergency services agencies who said they would be willing to accept me for my practicum. So I started that course and (found out later) had the most hands-on practicum of any of my classmates.

I never did get my foot in the door, working full- or part-time with any emergency service. Many fire departments and ambulance services still used paper cue cards at the time, and technology was not yet at the point to be fully integrated to come up with accessible alternatives. One police agency, on multiple occasions, had no qualms about telling me that my vision impairment meant that I could not interpret my colleague’s body language, so could not identify an emerging situation non-visually, and I would not even be granted an opportunity to test for a position I had trained for, was good at, and for which they were regularly advertising. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized I would have burned out on the emotional toll the job would demand of me. It took me over a decade to feel gratitude that my life went in another different direction, but I am grateful every day that I took that emergency communications course, and also grateful that I never did work in that field – even if the reasons I never did were flat-out discriminatory. The fact that the disability services office at the school was right – that finding employment would be difficult or impossible – that was hardly the point; I should never have had to face that barrier by a department that was supposed to decrease barriers to my education.

Then what Happened?

Over the next few years, I worked in multiple industries. I’ve worked for non-profits, governments, and private sector businesses. Even when I was laid off by a company in the oil and gas industry during the downturn in 2015, the idea of expanding my education never had any appeal. I didn’t have the inclination, I certainly didn’t have the funds, and – even if I had both of those things going for me – I had no idea what I would study that would both hold my interest and enhance my skill set. I saw no point in going to school just because… reasons – even though I’ve had many conversations over the years with people who’ve been surprised at my lack of formal education.

Then, I had a conversation that created a bit of a monster, and sent me back to the classroom.

Join me tomorrow. I won’t promise I’ll name names, but I will tell you what I’m studying, and why.

2022: All of the Different Directions

31 Saturday Dec 2022

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I must start off by expressing my gratitude to my faithful family, friends and followers; this blog has had a mere 14 entries this year – including a completely abandoned Ultimate Blog Challenge on beading, which I just left hanging… for months! I do want to pick it up again… when time permits.

2022 feels a lot like that blog challenge. The best of intentions, and maybe not the best follow-through. But some amazing things happened this year, which I will be blogging about in 2023… in short (if not in order):

  • I decided to go back to school! It’s a long story, and I’m still not sure I can explain all of it, but I’m studying and learning and procrastinating and fighting accessibility battles – like most disabled students, I’m sure. There’s lots to unpack there, and I’m looking forward to exploring it further on this blog in 2023!
  • My partner and I adopted another cat! The reasons behind this are complicated, and worthy of their own story. Her name is Madonna – we call her Maddie. She and Simone (Monkey) are best buddies, even if Monkey has turned into the most fair and strict “mama cat” ever. Wolfie and Maddie are working things out between themselves, and while they aren’t quite there yet we no longer have to worry about them getting into a fight they won’t stop on their own. Maddie is VERY sweet and adorable and my regular cuddle buddy – she’s my 10-pound weighted blanket and does whatever she can to make sure I get enough sleep, even if I get it in the middle of the afternoon.
  • I ran, and completed, my third marathon! There’s no nice way to put it – my training sucked! Between some things over which I had control (my own self-directed runs) and things I did not (injuries to myself and my regular running partners) I did not run nearly enough kilometers in preparation. But after more than 6 hours (for the record, I never ever ever want to run a 6+ hour marathon again!), I crossed the finish line, and was greeted by Jenny, guide dog extraordinaire!
  • My beading room has been completely transformed this year. The walls have been painted an amazing shade that, depending on the lighting, you can’t quite put your finger on. It’s a tranquil place that I want to be, and create, and with the temporary addition of partial flooring, I no longer have to worry about getting slivers stuck in my feet – yes, this has happened! I just have to convince Maddie that my strands of beads are not toys…

No New Year’s Eve would be complete in my home without a fire in the backyard, burning away all of the stress of this year. It’s been a busy year, with many new changes around my house, and the fire makes it feel like I’m clearing space for the new year ahead.

A fire on New Year's eve, 2022

So, what Next?

Lots! And lots and lots!

When I traveled to run my most recent marathon in Sacramento earlier this month, I started to see some very clear signs that Jenny is ready to retire. Nothing major — like she needed to retire immediately – but signs that were fairly clear. She wasn’t making confident decisions like she has during her entire prior working life. I considered that I wasn’t giving her good directions, or that she was having a rest day after a long day of travel, but I knew she was ready to retire a couple of weeks later when we went to West Edmonton Mall – a place she has loved to work for years, even though I despise it – and again she acted like she wasn’t able to make decisive guiding decisions; there were too many ambiguous choices, and it was almost like she was afraid of making a mistake. She will be spending the first two weeks of 2023 guiding me around mostly familiar areas, and then will retire the day I fly to start training with Guide Dog 2.0 in mid-January.

That’s right! After a very very VERY long time of waiting, I got a phone call that a match has been found for me! It is – to quote someone I know when I first told them – really exciting and really scary and really a lot. I’ve cried a lot at the thought of Jenny retiring, even as she has shown me clearly that she is ready. She’ll probably take this easier than I will! I’m excited for a new match and all the lessons they will teach me. I am nervous to travel to train with this new guide, something Jenny and I did not do in 2013 when we trained in our home environment. There’s a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts I need to process, and this seems to all be happening so fast that I’m not sure what that will look like yet. But I do plan on blogging this training journey; I make no promises on frequency…. remember what happened last time?

I will run my fourth and fifth marathons in 2023! I’ve booked my tickets for Marathon #4 in Vancouver, and will be watching for flights to marathon #5 – again in Sacramento. To help with my training, I bought myself a second-hand treadmill that is (approximately) the same age as my partner. It’s been a process to learn how to run on it, and I feel like I’m SUPER slow, but consistency is key, and I’m gunning for two fast marathons in 2023. On that front, anyone want to guide for a portion (half) either race?

School! I am currently taking two introductory classes, one of which concludes in the end of March (if I don’t finish earlier) and one that ends in the end of April (which accessibility issues have contributed to my feeling of falling behind). But I am nothing if not persistent, and I WILL complete both courses with the best grades my persistence and mental health will allow. By the beginning of May (if not sooner), I’ll be starting courses that will contribute to my certificate program – and I can’t wait!

This blog! It’s been rather neglected for far too long, and I realize that I miss writing – like, a lot! But I don’t want to write just to write more posts; I’d like a bit more direction. So, I may take some time – after I blog about my guide dog experience – to figure out where I want this blog to go in 2023. But my intent is to write regularly – if not frequently – so keep checking your inboxes or RSS feed or however you cool kids get new updates!

How was your 2022, and what do you hope for in 2023? Drop me a line in the comments below!

The UBC Beading Edition: A Pretty Beaded Thing!

03 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by in Ultimate Blog Challenge, Part 2, Uncategorized

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I am grateful every day that I no longer have any of the beaded “mpasterpieces” I made as a child. It would be a minor miracle if I did!

I am also eternally grateful that most of my very early pieces have gone on into the bead soup in the sky.

This necklace is in shades of brown and red, with a faceted piece of Tiger Eye in the middle
Autumn themed necklace

This picture, however, is probably one of the first pieces I made that I still have. (Not for lack of exposure) I made it at a time in my crrafting journey where I thought that you needed a central piece to make your piece “pop”. So I took this faceted cube of tiger eye and made an autumnal themed necklace. To me, it it’s quirky and fun, but maybe it needs a little work. Maybe I’ll repurpose it into something else. Or maybe it needs to be here, just as it is.

I no longer hold to the idea that a piece needs a focal point – most of my current pieces don’t have one. But it was a fun creative endeavor.

2021: The Year I’d LIke to forget

31 Friday Dec 2021

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Most of my friends have been doing retrospectives on their 2021s. I’m no exception. This entry will be very short, but I’d rather reflect on the past year while it is still happening, rather than bring the theoretical baggage into the new.

And yes, I know this is only symbolic and tomorrow isn’t going to change anything just because a year on the calendar changed and whatever… but I’ve done retrospectives for the past several years and it didn’t seem right to not do another.

In 2021, I haven’t been the person I wanted to be. I haven’t been an overly reliable friend, checking in on those I love. I went inward a lot, both in my personal life, and on this blog. My running went to crap, due to a bunch of circumstances (some of which I could’ve changed, many of which I couldn’t have). I’d like the changing of the year to reflect a new commitment to myself and to others that I’m sorry, and I will do better.

I grieved a lot this year. I grieved for the loss of Annie, my first cat, who left us in April. I grieved the loss of a dear friend, even though she’s been gone for over a year. In quiet ways, I grieved the loss of some of the accomplishments I worked so hard for in 2018 and 2019. Maybe a piece of me grieves who I used to be and am not sure how to get her back?

But some interesting and fun things happened in 2021. I started a new job with people I like, and I’m growing and learning both personally and professionally. I’m getting back at the beading table, making pretty beaded things, and that makes me happy. I’m slowly but surely getting my running mojo back. I took up a challenge to write 31 blog posts in 31 days… AND I DID IT! I’m sure there’s more, but I think for now, it’s time to look ahead. I can take this past year, learn from its foibles and fumblings, and come back stronger in 2022.

However 2021 has treated you, I’m glad you’re here and have joined me on this journey. May 2022 bring you peace, joy, love, hope, growth, and sustinance.

In Memorium

27 Monday Dec 2021

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To my dearly departed friend:

I guess it’s time to say my final farewell. Or maybe I should say my only real farewell, since there was never an opportunity to say farewell in the first place.

I knew it was time when Google notified me that you were now on Duo. You were tech savvy, but weren’t super connected with all the technological platforms out there. There is no way in a million years your phone would have Duo if you could help it. Someone else clearly has your phone number now, and for some reason that felt like the last connection I had to you. The fact that we haven’t texted or called in a year and a half doesn’t seem to make a difference; we always did pick up right where we left off. The fact that I removed your contact from social media, or my bank to send etransfers, even that didn’t feel final. But this one? This really did in a way nothing ever has since the day in May, 2020, when my supervisor at work told me to call someone I’d never met and wouldn’t tell me why. That stranger is the one who told me you were gone…

About a month ago, a friend posted on Facebook that running errands with friends was a highly underrated activity. Remember that time we went to the local mall to mail a package and buy paper plates? We both commented how much fun we had, and wondered why more friends didn’t adult together. We always talked about bringing a deck of cards and a crib board to play in the food court, and I regret we never did. But we could adult with the best of them. The last time I saw you, we went to Home Depot so I could buy plants that I could (hopefully) keep alive. One of them is still here… I haven’t killed it yet!

We met a half dozen years ago, when we were both going to other (crappier) jobs, and lived in the same neighborhood. You moved away, and then I got a new job in the same office building you worked in. For three years, we’d run into each other in the hall, or the cafeteria, or on messenger, and you would ask if I was going home and if I wanted a ride. When you moved again, far away, you always made it a point to say hi in the elevator or the lobby, and were always SO good about ignoring Jenny even though she really wanted to see you, because seeing you almost always meant CAR RIDES (her favourite thing!) When the pandemic hit, and the buses changed their schedules, I would take the bus from right in front of our office building. I was always surprised to get a phone call from you from the parking lot across the street – “Hey, want a ride?” And Jenny and I would cross the street and she’d always, without fail, find your car.

We talked a lot on those car rides. We talked about boundaries; I wanted to be more generous, like you, while you wanted to be more firm, like me. You told me more about what you were learning in school than what you were doing for work. You picked my brain about cat trees because it mattered to you to get your class project information correct. We talked about crafts and creativity. I made a tree of life ornament for you, which you not only insisted on paying my sticker price for, but purchased the materials and bought me lunch. Speaking of lunch…. after work, we’d sometimes go to Dairy Queen for their cheap combos ($7.50 for a burger, little fries, drink, and mini sundae). Remember that pop machine that wouldn’t dispense Dr. Pepper until I wanted it to stop? And then you threw your drink in the trash, rather than the rapper for your straw? We laughed until we cried!

You crocheted an afghan for me that stays on my couch; you dropped it off on a hard day, and I wish more than anything I had been the one to answer the door, because I didn’t know it was the last time you would walk up my steps. You texted me and asked if the colours were OK, because you vaguely remembered an offhand comment I made about my favourite colours. The tree ornament I made you got sent back to me, priority post, after you were gone; the grapevine knew that I had made it for you,

because the things people made with their hands mattered to you, and it mattered to you that others knew where the things that mattered to you came from.

The world is a less kind place without you in it. I wish I’d been a better friend. I wish I hadn’t texted you on that Monday in May, not knowing you had been gone for a whole day already. I selfishly wish you were still here and am also selfishly glad you haven’t lived the past eighteen months of the pandemic. I miss your graciousness, your joy in the little things in life, and the fire in you on the rare occasions you got really upset about something. You believed in love, in all of its forms, and were seriously the most generous person I’ve ever met.

It’s time I let you go now. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I feel like I have to now. Farewell, my friend. I truly believe there are angels on earth, and you were one of them. Fly high, dear friend, rest peacefully. May your legacy of love, grace, and generosity linger longer than the grief and the sorrow and the pain.\

Farewell, dear friend. You lived life well.

MLW – 1971-2020.

An Attitude of Gratitude

11 Monday Oct 2021

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It’s the second Monday in October, which means it’s Thanksgiving here in Canada. Despite the state of the world today – and the struggles and challenges in my little corner of it – I do have many things to be grateful for.

I am thankful for my rough and tumble house. It’s old, it needs a lot of work, and sometimes I seriously wonder what I was thinking wanting to keep a whole entire house in the first place… but this house has been my home for more than a decade. I know it well. I’ve made it my own – with a lot of help – and plan on continuing to do so. My winter project is to get it painted. I’m absolutely useless at this task, but I can tape baseboards and outlets and other things like a whiz, and delegate the painting itself to those who are considerably better than I. This house has trusted me with its care. Its ghost(s) have shown up. I’ve trusted these four walls with my secrets, as it has entrusted its care to me… and yes, I realize how strange that sounds…

I’m thankful for my new job, which is going well. I like the people I work with. There are many opportunities to learn, and I can even take a few opportunities to pass along information that I know. Jenny has settled in well – maybe too well, since she sneaks into my boss’ office to steal the bones that other office dogs have left behind – and looks forward to her weekly meets and greets with everyone.

Speaking of Jenny, I’m thankful for our eight (EIGHT?!?!?) years of partnership. Her intelligence, love, and sassy attitude make working with her a pure joy.

I’m thankful for my two quirky and funny kitties . Wolfie is coming into herself again, and has made great friends with Simone (AKA the Monkey). Simone, for her part, has grown up into a big kitten with impulse control (something I never saw coming!) They each make me laugh every single day.

I’m thankful for my parents, who have each in their own way raised me to be strong, kind, and self-sufficient

I’m thankful for my partner, who’s been with me through some of the darkest and loneliest periods of my life. This past year and a half has in no way gone as planned, but we’re standing together and actively doing whatever we can to make some of the hard things less terrible.

I’m thankful that my divorce is now final. It’s been over for a long time, and now a judge says it is! I’m thankful that, while things went slowly, for the most part they went smoothly, with enough time and space for us to truly part friendly and cleanly. I wish him nothing but love, success, and happiness; I would never begrudge him anything I’ve found for myself.

I’m thankful for my friends – the new, the constant companions, and the friends with whom I’ve recently reconnected. Throughout the past few days I’ve reconnected with old friends and long-time neighbors, enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner with longtime friends, and there are new people in my world that I am grateful to be building new friendships with.

I am thankful for my running friends. This weekend was the Boston Marathon – both the physical and the virtual race. For a wide variety of reasons – inadequate training, mental brick walls, and really crappy running weather, among others – I had to sit this one out. I hated it. I don’t ever want to sit out a race again! My running family has been nothing short of supportive – encouraging me to keep going, while offering support, comfort and commiseration that things didn’t go as planned. Over the past few days, I’ve received several calls and texts – “So, what’s next for you?” in short, I gotta get off my duff and get moving again! And my running family will be there, whatever that process looks like.

I’m thankful that my beading room will soon be a place of creativity. When I started reclaiming this home as my own, I moved my beading table down into a small room that was used for other things. I wanted to create, to make pretty beaded things that could be seen and felt and enjoyed. But then the pandemic hit and that room turned into my home office – hardly a great creative space. I recently got gifted a new desk from our local Buy Nothing group, and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. My plan this week is to spread things out, find places for them, and get back to work. And that room is also getting its own coat of paint!

Today, October 11, is also National Coming Out day. I’m thankful that I live in a country where I can be myself, be proud, and find community. I’m thankful for all the support I’ve received over the past few years as I’ve come to terms with my identity as someone on the asexual spectrum. I’m so grateful for the conversations and writings and community of Ace folks all over the world, and all the ways I’ve been able to learn, share and grow. And I cannot say enough about my allies – those inside and outside of the Ace community – who’ve accepted this as part of who I am with no judgment, no condescension, and no erasure. This is (sadly) quite rare, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that my little corner of the universe is full of kind and understanding people.

I generally have a hard time with the perky, don’t worry be happy, positive thinking stuff I see a lot online these days. But if I am being honest, this is truly where I am right now. So for this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for so very many things.

An Open Letter to Service Dog Fakers

29 Sunday Aug 2021

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more than five years ago, I wrote this post.
For five years, I had lived in a state of semi-denial, as though fake service dogs were both as provable and disprovable as ghosts. I knew many people who had encountered individuals passing off themselves as disabled and their dogs as service dogs, but I never have encountered one myself.
I don’t know whether the handler of the dog I encountered recently on an ETS bus has a disability, or whether her dog mitigates it by performing quantifiable tasks. But what I do know is the dog was barking and snarling at my service dog, who stood at my side and was willing – though hesitant – to board the bus while the other dog was displaying aggressive behavior toward her.
What made the whole situation worse? It didn’t appear that anyone – particularly the bus driver – was willing to do anything to address the clear safety hazard that this dog’s behavior possessed to its handler, other passengers, my dog, or myself.
I still believe every single word I wrote five years ago. But all I will add is this:
We, as legitimate service dog handlers, have a responsibility to ensure that our dogs are under control, clean and presentable, and behave well in public. This does not mean they are robots; mistakes can and do happen. But when they do, we have a responsibility to the service dog community and the general public to address behavioral issues appropriately. I don’t want to be denied service somewhere because some service dog was permitted to behave aggressively and people stood by and did nothing. That other handler’s rights were protected; mine should be also.

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You and I haven’t had the displeasure of meeting, but you’ve met almost all of my friends at one point or another. You may think you’ve pulled one over on everyone, but you’ve actually made governments – state or provincial – stand up and take notice of what you’ve been doing. I wish I could say that it’s nice to meet you, but then I would be lying… something you do every day by passing off your pet (even a well-behaved one) as a service dog. Maybe you know in the back of your head that your actions may affect those of us with illnesses or disabilities who use service dogs to increase our independence or alert to oncoming life-threatening situations; maybe you just want what you want. You love your dog, I get it; I love mine, too. But just in…

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Kitties! (revisited

02 Monday Aug 2021

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When I first started blogging (was it really seven years ago?) I wrote an introductory post about the feline members of our little family. Since then, my family has changed drastically. Dasher left us in 2017, and Annie crossed the Rainbow Bridge earlier this year. Wayne (affectionately called “The boy”) found a new home; I was devastated I couldn’t keep him myself, but was thrilled that he found a new home thanks to a TV segment I researched where I recognized his meow instantly. Wolfie has her own story of coming into my home, leaving and returning again – first temporarily and then permanently.

And it’s with this in mind: here is a formal introduction to the kitties in my world… because the world needs more kitty pictures!

Wolfie is contentedly laying on her cat tree

Wolf, otherwise known as Wolfie, or Grey Lump, is almost 5. She’s a Russian Blue, which means she’s inherited a certain amount of eccentricity. She loves balling up shedded hair and fur into balls she can play with. She likes to hide during thunderstorms and isn’t super fond of new people coming to the house. She has two volume settings: extremely quiet, and VERY LOUD (the latter of which is less than adorable at 3:00 AM). She is incredibly sensitive to moods, weather, and just about everything else. She’s somewhat reserved, but she’s not afraid to make her opinions known, and she is absolutely not above putting another cat in her place… which she does… a lot… but nicely.

Simone, a black cat in a blue harness, is laying on the same cat tree

Simone, more regularly referred to as “Monkey” due to her ability to climb or squirm into or under or out of anything, is 9 months old. She’s a big black cat who hasn’t stopped growing yet (oh dear!) She is, bar none, the funniest cat I’ve ever met. She is friendly with everyone, without being clingy. Where Wolfie hides during thunderstorms, they give Simone energy. It’s not uncommon to find her launching herself off of anything she can, sometimes across the room. if she doesn’t have enough toys, she will make her own, not always with appropriate things. She is friends with both Jenny (the dog) and Wolfie, and while she may be a biological cat (those domestic creatures that purr and meow and use the litter box and knead things) her brain is all dog. She comes when called (even if you’re calling someone else), LOVES belly rubs, and actually plays fetch, though she’s admittedly not quite as good at bringing the ball back.