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Life Unscripted

Monthly Archives: June 2018

Book Review: “The Gunners” by Rebecca Kauffman

30 Saturday Jun 2018

Posted by blindbeader in Book reviews, Fiction

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blindness, Book reviews, changes, denial, Fiction, friendship, Rebecca Kauffman, representation

I love books about friendship – the nostalgic type that brings back memories to the friends I had when I was young. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new and/or “adult” friends fiercely, but childhood or adolescent friends hold a special place in my heart.

And because I write reviews about representation of blindness in books, my selection for June seemed like a perfect fit.

Was I right?

 

Publisher’s Summary

 

Following her wonderfully received first novel, Another Place You’ve Never Been, called “mesmerizing,” “powerful,” and “gorgeous,” by critics all over the country, Rebecca Kauffman returns with Mikey Callahan, a thirty-year-old who is suffering from the clouded vision of macular degeneration. He struggles to establish human connections – even his emotional life is a blur.
As the novel begins, he is reconnecting with “The Gunners,” his group of childhood friends, after one of their members has committed suicide. Sally had distanced herself from all of them before ending her life, and she died harboring secrets about the group and its individuals. Mikey especially needs to confront dark secrets about his own past and his father. How much of this darkness accounts for the emotional stupor Mikey is suffering from as he reaches his maturity? And can The Gunners, prompted by Sally’s death, find their way to a new day? The core of this adventure, made by Mikey, Alice, Lynn, Jimmy, and Sam, becomes a search for the core of truth, friendship, and forgiveness.
A quietly startling, beautiful book, The Gunners engages us with vividly unforgettable characters, and advances Rebecca Kauffman’s place as one of the most important young writers of her generation.

 

Mikey’s Story – Mostly Loneliness

 

This story opens with an eye test. mikey, aged six or seven, cannot read all the letters on the eye chart. When he is told to cover the other eye to test that vision, he says he can’t, because that’s his “good eye.” When he comes home and talks to his father – who clearly loves him but is emotionally distant – he is told to never ever tell anyone about his failing vision.

And so he doesn’t.

Even as Mikey’s vision worsens – as he holds down a job, inherits a house, adopts a cat, cooks amazing dishes, drives around town – he never tells anyone about his vision loss. He attends doctor’s offices and gets stronger and stronger glasses, and he navigates his home and cooks his meals more and more frequently without vision.

But he does all of this alone.

And he never really makes any friends.

Not after the Gunners fell apart.

 

The Gunners – Bonds that Break…?

 

The strongest part of Kauffman’s writing is her depiction of friendship. In flashbacks to their childhoods, we see how the Gunners meet and become friends, how they grow up together, how they keep secrets from everyone around them, and then secrets from each other. When they return for Sally’s funeral – a sign that there is no reconciliation of the group as a whole – they eat and drink (all but Lynn, a recovering alcoholic, and Sam, a born-again Christian) and open their pasts and discover painful realizations… that the person you thought was keeping secrets may have been – but not the ones you thought they were. Does that make a difference?

 

The Messiness of Disclosure

 

This book unfolds slowly and beautifully. Without spoiling the plot, most of the characters come to a place where they need to open up about the deepest parts of themselves to truly be free. Whether coming out to parents, or disclosing vision loss, or telling the truth about family histories, there are scary points of vulnerability that changes the course of life.

This reader wishes the author had gone deeper with Mikey’s blindness, past the outward denials – I frequently forgot Mikey was going blind – to moments of self-pity (when Mikey says he’ll quit his job and get a dog and then… whatever) to relying on friends for practical needs (there is literally no mention of blindness services, at all). This quibble aside, this book, more than any I have read, shows the power of disclosure and the risks involved, and how those around you can treat you differently once they learn something they didn’t know before.

 

Conclusion

 

This book is well worth your time. It moves along slowly but powerfully, and I loved getting to know the characters – their secrets, their revelations, their futures. Mikey’s story could’ve so easily been written without blindness involved – it didn’t really add to the story, even if it became so integral to the ending – but as written it was handled with general sensitivity. The bonds of the past, reality of the present, and hope for the future are what carry this book above its pitfalls.

3.5/5 stars.

You Inspire Me! No… REALLY!

27 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

dignity, disability, inspiration, language

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“You really inspire me.”

I hear this phrase regularly. It always makes me a little bit uncomfortable for a wide variety of reasons. Though I can sometimes hog a conversation, I really don’t like having attention drawn to me, and phrases like this make me blush. As an disabled introvert, my desire for anonymity is frequently at odds with the fact that I am highly visible because of my terrific – if sassy – guide dog.

But my own discomfort with being viewed as “inspirational” goes deeper than my desire to blend in, to go about my day, to enjoy my hobbies or go to work or meet friends for coffee.

And it wasn’t until very recently that I started to figure out why.

 

Inspiration: What it Means

 

Until writing this post, I had no idea there were so many meanings for the word “inspire.” Merriam-Webster includes phrases such as “spur on, motivate” and “to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration.” The Cambridge English Dictionary has a definition I particularly like: “to make someone feel that they want to do something and can do it.” There are other definitions, too. Some are archaic and are not used anymore – to “breathe upon”, for example. But others – such as Oxford English Dictionary‘s “Animate someone with (a feeling)” – make me think that this is what the general public means when they say I inspire them.

But if that’s the case… what feeling do I animate in them?

And is that all there is?

I argue that there’s more.

So very much more.

 

(De-)Valuing Inspiration

 

There are people who inspire me. Some are famous people – who made things or did things that changed the world. Some are everyday people, who show great commitment to their interests, sacrificial love to their families, and generosity to their communities. All of these people inspire me to dream big, to work hard, to learn from others and from myself, to love freely and live courageously. These are people who have made a tangible, quantifiable difference in my life. I don’t throw the word “inspiration” around much, because so often it’s been cheapened when directed at me – for no other reason than I’m a person with a disability getting out there and living my life. I refuse to devalue it – and the people I’m pairing it with – by using it in place of “I’m feeling charitable towards this person” or “this story gives me the warm fuzzies” or “this person makes me smile because they’re them.” These are nice things, in their own way, but not inspirational, especially if they wouldn’t even be talked about if there was no disability in the equation. The late comedian Stella Young put this better than I ever could.

 

 

 

Apologies for Speaking Truth

 

It appears I’m not the only one who has complicated feelings about telling someone they inspire them. A new old friend of mine just started training for a triathlon, and I recently commented on their Facebook post about how awesome and inspiring it’s been to read their journey and cheer them on through their successes. I waffled about the use of the word “inspiring”, but after some soul-searching I realized it was apt. Their story spurred me on to keep training on days when I just didn’t feel like it (which I found out last week inspired a neighbor to get out there and start her own fitness journey, so around and around it goes). In my friend’s response back to me, they told me that I inspired them by posting updates on my own running journey – even when my time and pace and distance all sucked. I can’t find the comment now, but there was something in there about “sorry to use this phrase, but…”

Just yesterday, a very close friend told me that my way of looking at the world inspired them to look at the world differently – not in a passing-glance kind of way, but in a true, worldview shifting sort of way. “I hope you’ll forgive this wording,” she wrote, “it inspires me every day.”

It broke my heart that such a lovely compliment – a true compliment from a good friend – had to be qualified like this.

And yet, I understand why.

 

Taking Inspiration Back

 

Let’s be inspired by true inspirational feats and figures. Let’s stand up and tell our friends and families how they encourage us to make a greater difference in the world and ourselves. Whether fighting injustice, raising a family, providing thoughtful commentary, training for a race, blazing new trails through employment or education or innovation, there may come a time that someone needs to hear that they are truly making a lasting difference in their little corner of the world.

If a stranger inspires us, let’s take a moment to discern why: is what they do and who they are making a difference in their world and/or our lives? If the person standing beside them did that same task or feat, would we view them as inspirational? If the answer is yes, great! If not, it’s time to examine our own thoughts and expectations – are we inspired because who this person is is truly someone to emulate, or are we placing our own limitations on them and they just happen to jump high enough to “overcome” them?

There’s a place in the world – and in our conversations – for inspirations. Let’s reserve them for people – some we know and some we’ve never met – whose example continually spurs us on, rather than brushes up against us and fades into the background.

 

Who Inspires You?

 

Since we’re talking about inspirations, who inspires you? Why? How? In what ways have they changed your life? I’d love to read your stories in the comments below!

With a Little Help from my Friends

09 Saturday Jun 2018

Posted by blindbeader in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

changes, friendship, personal, reflection, support

A few days ago, I saw a video posted online of a guide dog user being denied entry to a well-known New York club. Not only did their friends stand in the gap for them, trying to advocate and to explain that their friend had a right to be there, but also physically going into the club and making the manager address the issue.

At the time, I commented about the true sense of friendship between these three.
“And her friends refused to take it lying down. They refused to allow the manager to ignore the issue, they made him flat-out say that he didn’t care about the law and would discriminate anyway.
I want allies like this.
Allies who will stand in the gap when I say with a sigh that feels like a scream – because of someone’s actions TOWARD ME – “I’m sorry for ruining your night.””
And as I thought about it, I realized that, in fact, I do have friends and allies like this.

Just today, I discovered a post I wrote that puts into words what true friends are.
“Good friends are those who will talk to you about anything, talk to you about nothing, listen to you, cry with you, laugh with you, let you forget your troubles for awhile, tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it, visit you in the hospital, stand in line at the pharmacy with you, dance with you, laugh at your bad jokes, drive you home in a snowstorm, encourage you to try new things, accept you as you are.
I truly have great friends.”

 

A shoulder to Lean On

 

A few months ago, I went through a pretty unpleasant experience. In many ways, I felt like my brain and my body had betrayed me in ways they never had before, and I struggled to make sense of it all. From some pretty surprising corners, both new and old friends reached out and listened as I sorted through my feelings and my reactions to what happened. Their attentiveness and occasional “checking in!”s made a ton of difference at a time where almost nothing in my life made sense. When, after a few weeks, I was still struggling, those same friends cheered me on as I reached out for professional assistance. They made that time in my life – which was the beginning of a journey of serious and life-changing self-discovery – a lot easier to confront.

And, sometimes, friends do not have any idea that they’ve been a lifeline. When my employer sent out the weekly newsletter featuring a marathon runner with a disability, I reached out to her and said hello. We talked about what we had in common – disability, running, dislike of Nicholas Sparks books – for most of that day. What she doesn’t know is how talking about those things helped keep me together on a day where I was emotionally struggling, probably harder than I ever have. It causes me to stop and wonder… how often do we support our friends without even realizing it? In those moments where the struggle is not so obvious, how often do we unknowingly step into that space, lend a hand, and lift our friend up?

 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

 

I’ve had many groups of friends over the course of my life. Some friendships formed through proximity (school, work), others through common interests, and others through shared beliefs or lived experiences. Some have remained generally constant, while others have ebbed and flowed over the years. When life has taken us different directions, some have quietly faded into the background while a painful few have been quickly cut off at the roots. As I’m going through a pretty prolonged and complicated period of self-discovery, I’m fascinated at how some friends and I are growing closer, and viewing life through similar lenses – sometimes after long absences from each other’s lives – while others who were much closer to me when I thought, talked, and believed a certain way have faded into the background. For the most part, I really do think there’s a lot of truth to that quote about friends being for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes, it’s painful and fascinating to learn which friends are in your life for what period of time.

 

Hands and Feet

 

I’m just going to come out and say it. Sometimes, adulting sucks. There’s big stuff – like moving, starting a family, getting a new job, experiencing illness or loss… you get the idea. Friends are regularly present for such events – and if they can’t be, their absence adds pain (sometimes more pain) to those big life experiences.

But friends show up in the little ways, too. It’s boring to buy groceries and go to the post office and clean your house. Sometimes, though, you can reconnect with friends and neighbors just by doing those adult things. Just last week, Ben and I ran into a neighbor and friend in the produce store we’ve been shopping at for years. We chatted and reconnected just while waiting in line. Sometimes, a friend who works in my office building will ask me if I’m going to a certain area she’s going anyway – sometimes I am – and we end up shopping or mailing packages and chatting about life. Another will join me on a run – seeming to pick those days where I REALLY don’t wanna! – and keep pushing for me to work hard and do well.

 

“I Want What’s Best for You… but I Love you As you Are”

 

I am truly blessed to have some of the most honest friends in the world. Sometimes that means telling me some uncomfortable truths about myself – especially if I ask directly. Sometimes I get told when I’m being too demanding; other times I’m reminded that I’m overloading a friend with my own emotional baggage. As painful as these conversations are sometimes, I’m glad that friends love me enough to tell me these things before they fester into resentment and anger.

And while it’s so important for friends to love us for who we are – and I am blessed to have friends who love me for me – they also cheer us on when we expand our horizons. When I first told one friend that I was thinking about signing up for a half-marathon on my upcoming trip, the first thing she said was “do it!” Sometimes you need a friend to talk you through a situation – finding all the angles, asking questions for you to consider – and other times you need a friend to just give you the push to go for it. I’m blessed to have friends who can – and do – do both.

 

I Could Go On… but What About You?

 

There are so many other things that make good friends, but these have affected me most deeply lately. If you recognize yourself in this post, thanks for being my friend; if you don’t, this in no way diminishes my love for you or how much I value our friendship.

What about you? What makes a good friend? Have you had an experience where a friend appeared from an unexpected place, or supported you without even knowing it?

Tell me about it in the comments below!

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