I’m probably preaching to the choir with this post, and if I’m not, it’s even more important that you read it. I’ve seen enough of this attitude lately that it’s time that I tackle this head-on. People with disabilities are not here on earth to be your good deed of the day, to inspire you just for getting out of bed in the morning, to have our privacy violated on social media, to answer all of your personal questions, to allow you to pet our service dogs… either without being asked at all or having our “no, thank you” or “please don’t” be completely disregarded in the name of accepting generosity and not hurting anyone’s feelings. And lest anyone think that I’m being too harsh, it’s not my intent in any shape or form. But I’ve come across a large number of articles over the past couple of weeks that have addressed aspects of this on a smaller scale… so it’s obviously not just me.
It started with this article. While I do take exception to the author’s tone (which I did find incredibly angry), if you read beyond it he has a lot to say about personal space and the right to say no. For some reason I have never understood, I have found that many people with disabilities seem to be commodities for public consumption. We’re out in public, so someone grabs our arm to guide us somewhere with no idea where we’re going, even if there is no reasonable inference that we require their assistance other than the fact that we’re blind and it must be so! In recent conversations with people who use wheelchairs, more than once someone has grabbed the back of their chair and propelled them into position at a grocery line or to a table at a restaurant, even if they declined the offer of assistance or were never asked at all. And I’m pretty sure I’m just scratching the surface of variables of disability, public reactions, and responding to unnecessary “generosity”.
It is possible to decline offers of assistance graciously when they are unnecessary, even if we believe that they are so outlandish as to be demeaning. A “no, thank you” can generally go a long way. But what if it doesn’t? Is it my responsibility to graciously receive assistance I don’t require if it’s being forced on me? Am I supposed to answer all intrusive and personal questions because someone dares to talk to me in public and wishes to learn the ins and outs of my disability? The answer to these questions is generally no, unless of course I truly wish to do so. I’d like to think I have a pretty good read on people, and a pretty good system of dealing with the genuinely curious, the downright nosy, and the grabbers. But that’s hardly the point; when I say “no, thank you”, I expect that to be honored just as it would be – or should be – from any able-bodied person.
But when people take pictures without consent – or, worse, post them on the Internet, I shouldn’t have to be gracious about that. Above, I linked to Carly’s post on the topic, and she can address the social media aspect better than I could. But on a personal note, this disturbs me and angers me, largely because many blind people can’t see it happening, and even those that can may be unable to address the “photographer” directly. Last year a friend and I were on a train with our guide dogs, and someone across the way from us was taking a picture. We couldn’t tell for sure if it was of us and our guides, but it was in our general direction, and we didn’t overhear anything at all related to asking or indicating a picture was being taken. So we started talking really loudly about how rude it was that photos were being taken on the Subway, etc. We didn’t get any reaction from across the aisle, but I hope our point was made.
This all being said, it is so important for all of us – those with disabilities and those without – to be respectful if at all possible. Please don’t let this post put off anyone from asking if we require assistance, but simply to ask rather than assume. If we say yes, please don’t rub our faces in it about how great it makes you feel that you’re helping us; if we say no thanks, please honor that. For my blind/visually impaired readers – as much for myself – even if assistance is offered and not required, please take a deep breath and thank the person for the thought; I have found myself getting defensive sometimes when the sixth person in a day asks if I need help – they don’t know all that’s gone before. For my sighted readers, please tread carefully when asking personal questions about someone’s disability (the cause, the level of hearing/vision/mobility they have); the phrase “If you don’t mind my asking” goes a long way. To readers with disabilities, there’s no shame in politely stating that those questions are personal and you don’t wish to discuss them, but what about sports/music/movies? People question what they don’t know, so to them the questions are natural even if to you and me they are intrusive; they may think they have the right to ask them, but we have the right to keep whatever information about ourselves private.
Above all, please please please keep your hands and your camera to yourself. Many of us blind folks do know where we’re going and are using that post/garbage can/wall/doorway to navigate and orient ourselves; grabbing us away from such things may actually get us more lost than simply telling us “Just so you know there’s a wall ten feet in front of you.” Unless we are in immediate danger of getting hit by a car or falling down a flight of stairs, there’s no urgent need to reach out and grab us without warning. And we’re not zoo exhibits to show your friends on Facebook pictures of that “amazing blind girl at the mall yesterday, like, out in public and everything!” Trust me, my guide dog LOVES pictures. If you ask nicely, I might even let you pet her before your photo shoot…
Kelly said:
I really appreciate you writing this, and it was very well said. I personally do not have a disability but I work with individuals with disabilities. It is so frustrating to me when people make it like I’m doing such a heroic deed because I work with people. I don’t even like using the term “individual with a disability” and much prefer just “people”. I much prefer just plan Jim or Jane or whatever their name happens to be. I try to advocate for independence and for the “no means no”. If you guys need help, you will ask.
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blindbeader said:
Thanks so much for writing! I totally agree. We may require extra assistance with things, but most of us have a pretty decent self-awareness that we will ask if we need assistance and decline it when it’s not needed. I don’t think it’s up to me to accept assistance just to make someone else feel better. It’s definitely a fine line, but it’s an important one in my view 🙂
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Kelly said:
I agree completely! You go on being your awesome self and keep being an advocate! I really appreciate the things you write on your blog. It really helps me continue to keep advocating for equality for individuals with disabilities.
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frijolic14 said:
I’ve often been asked a couple questions and been encouraged to consider getting a guide dog and to consider thinking about the bionic eye more than once and my answer has always been the same. it’s up to me whether I want to consider things like this and if I say no and give a good reason that should be respected and in my mind I will make up my own mind and not have somebody make up my mind for me.
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blindbeader said:
But, see, you don’t have to give a reason. You don’t want a guide dog. That’s your choice. Honestly, I don’t understand this need of many people to explain themselves. You don’t want to get a guide dog, or try out the bionic eye. You know what? Those choices are so totally valid, and your reasons are yours, period. No one has the right to judge you, or reallym no one has the right to that information unless you truly want to tell them. I have no problem telling someone that I choose this, and the reasons why are none of their business. Maybe that’s rude…
Here’s a situation that would never EVER happen: two strangers are talking, and one of them lives in an apartment. The other person would never ask them why they don’t live in a house and how much better a house is than an apartment. Because their living situation is unique. Maybe finances are too tight to own or rent a house. Maybe they like smaller spaces. Maybe apartments are just cool! But what I’m saying is that no one would bat an eye about an able-bodied person’s living situation; we’re just public property. But just because someone thinks you should do something doesn’t mean that you should, or that you even owe them an explanation as to why you have or have not made certain choices.
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frijolic14 said:
something I forgot to say I’m not going to just tell somebody to “fuck off” block quote apologies for my cuss words blindbeader I’m talking here to a woman and I’ve always had to be lectured as to how inappropriate it is to swear in front of or when talking to a woman blockquote end. I’ve always been brought up to treat people how I want to be treated and it’s a good idea to respect your elders whether they know you or they’re complete strangers.
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frijolic14 said:
one that just sprung to mind is one I actually laugh at. each time somebody buys me a beer or grabs a stubby of beer out of an eski particularly if I’m with the lions club they tend to open the beer for me when I’m probably perfectly capable of opening it myself lol. I know I should probably carry a bottle opener just to make things easier but I probably wouldn’t think of that.
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frijolic14 said:
I decided to revisit this post and post another comment as there was an incident when I was up the street a week ago. though I myself might not think much of it it’s just a little food for thought so to speak. I was walking up the street last Tuesday my time and there was a man in front of me who as soon as I was made aware of his presence I moved my cane towards me and held it upright so it wasn’t going to trip him up or trip anybody up but the man didn’t even move or flinch. a lady came up to me and grabbed my elbow as if to say “you’re not in the wrong it’s the guy in front of you who is in the wrong” this was to imply the guy even though he saw my cane he was ignorant. I wasn’t sure how to react because when the woman took my elbow it was not hard and I didn’t jump as though shocked I just let it slide because to say something might have come across as rude particularly if it was my mother who was with me at the time but it wasn’t my mother thankfully. I say thankfully because my mother will often discourage me from speaking up if somebody tries to make suggestions and I’m not exactly ready for them or I’m not in the mood to discuss it. which reminds me of when my neighbour phoned me recently to ask if I’d consider trying out orcam eye glasses and my answer was no and my mother practically tore strips off me because my answer is always no to everything but when discussing the incident above that was up the street yesterday with the orientation and mobility instructor along with a lady who I am doing things with from the NDIS (national disability insurance scheme) the subject came up and what would have been preferred would have been an introduction at the very least but again I don’t like to speak up because to whoever I’m with it might come across as me being defensive or rude
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blindbeader said:
In restaurants or clubs it’s VERY common for beers to be opened for customers 🙂 But not sure about the Lions Club and how it works for you guys. If you carry a set of keys with you, there are tons of keychain bottle openers that you can just always have with you 🙂
Just a thought.
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frijolic14 said:
it’s just an idea when I’m out and I’m offered a beer. and I have got a bottle opener on keys now as of a week ago it was just a little idea to break the monotony of all the no means no stuff.
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