• So, who am I, anyway?

Life Unscripted

~ Living Life as I see it… or Don't

Life Unscripted

Category Archives: blindness

The Joy of Clean and New

12 Thursday Aug 2021

Posted by blindbeader in blindness, Ultimate Blog Challenge

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cleaning, comfort, personal

There’s nothing quite like coming home to a clean house. I’m by no means a neat freak, but I like things to be clean. I can hold my own, but I’m just not a particularly proficient cleaner… and no, it’s not because I’m blind.

A few times a year, I splurge to pay for a cleaner to come and do a deep clean on my house. I started this a couple of years ago when my husband moved out. I felt so overwhelmed by all of the stuff – nearly a decade of stuff – and dirt and grime and junk in my house. Two years ago, with no judgment, my housekeeper (Kendra) and her partner came and scoured my house. They spent an embarrassing amount of time here (while I spent 1/3 of my most recent paycheck), and I vowed I would never let my home get that badly neglected again. I’ve stuck to that. It hasn’t been perfect, and at times I’ve felt so overwhelmingly exhausted that I’ve done only what needed doing until I couldn’t take the state of my house anymore. But it has never again gotten to the point where I felt ashamed of where and how I’ve been living.

Over the past two years (more or less once a season), Kendra comes to clean. She cleaned on my birthday last year. I’ve recommended her to my friends, and she’s brought magic into their homes as well. Normally, I try to be there when she’s cleaning – she’s just such an amazing person to be around – but my new job hasn’t quite given me the ability to work from home yet. No matter when she comes, she’s always left my home sparkling clean and organized… which is wonderful, except when I’m trying to find something (it wasn’t where I put it yesterday or last week or a month ago). The flip side? She can find things I’ve replaced, given up for lost, like the black ring I wear on my right middle finger that I could’ve sworn a certain black kitten (who shall remain nameless) took to her toy hoarding palace under the couch.

Speaking of couches… why had I never seriously considered replacing mine? I mean, aside from the fact that furniture and delivery is expensive, and the logistics of getting rid of my old ones? But, seriously… Over the past few months, I’ve noticed my love seat just not being comfortable anymore. My partner found a set of leather couches on Kijiji, and they were just perfect for us. Within less than 24 hours, we’d located the couch and love seat, had it delivered, and Kendra had sent me a text hoping I was as happy as she was with her work in the house. I walked in my door to the smell of… clean. And leather. And my home is once again an oasis of calm and clean and comfort. My biggest thanks to Kendra for her help along this journey, and wonderful seller of leather couches (sorry, I never knew your name). My home once again feels like a place I want to be.

Ungrateful Passenger

04 Wednesday Aug 2021

Posted by blindbeader in blindness, Ultimate Blog Challenge

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

autonomy, dignity, independence, travel

“Hey, need a lift?”

If you have a driver’s license and reliable access to a vehicle, you’ve probably asked this question at one point in your life – maybe even regularly, sometimes to the same person or people.

For obvious reasons, I do not drive. I am overwhelmed sometimes by the number of people who are willing and able to drive me places. I am regularly driven to or from long Sunday runs, turning what would be a 60-minute bus ride into a 10-minute drive with pleasant company besides. A few times a year, I need to run errands where taxis or rideshares are either impractical or prohibitively expensive. Before I started my new job, I was invited to a house party in the middle of nowhere, and had multiple offers of rides to get there and back. The generosity of strangers and friends alike is something that both makes me extremely grateful, and extremely uncomfortable.

I don’t feel guilty for calling a taxi or taking an Uber. I pay the fare, the driver provides the service. When I had to provide an urgent signature for legal documents, I ordered an Uber; I didn’t want to leave anyone hanging out downtown for me to take an hour in a law office. But there’s a certain uncomfortable feeling when accepting a ride from someone you know when they are driving you somewhere, even if they have a reason to go there themselves.

There’s a certain power imbalance. The person with the wheels, the keys, and the license, has the ability to make any decisions they see fit. If the driver wants to leave before the passenger is ready to, or doesn’t want to run that errand or attend that event, the passenger needs to locate their alternate transportation arrangements – if there are any at all. If the driver wants to stay at the party, the boring meeting, the holiday dinner, then the passenger performs some form of mental gymnastics about whether their desire to leave is worth bringing up at all.

I came to this realization when discussing travel with a friend. I’ve taken multiple trips over the years, sometimes alone, and sometimes with my (now former) husband. My friend asked me what my favourite trip was, and of all the ones I’d taken, I couldn’t help but realize that New York and the intrepid Journey were, by far, my preferred trips when I take a tour down Memory Lane. Don’t get me wrong, the Epic Road Trip of Awesome was… well…. awesome! But I realized that the fondest memories I have were on trips that didn’t include large amounts of car travel. In new York, the only car trips we took were the trip to and from the airport… and the ride back to my B&B with a performing jazz band; the rest of the trip was all made on foot or by Subway, giving both my husband and I an immense amount of personal autonomy. The Intrepid Journey may not have covered as much ground, or been quite as scenic as the Epic Road Trip of Awesome, but I realized that I could do whatever I wanted, held only to the timetables of the inter-city bus trips I booked (and got canceled before traveling, but that’s another story). In both cases, I could travel when and where I wanted, go back and sleep if I wanted, try new things that would bore almost anyone else on this planet… but I didn’t require the consultation of anyone else, beyond a courtesy “I’ll be back at place X by Y time… I’ll text you if anything changes.” I wonder if this is what driving feels like; it’s just on two feet rather than four wheels.

I am truly grateful for my army of support who are more than generous in sharing their wheels. And yet I am an ungrateful passenger. I’m frustrated by the need to ask – even though a part of me knows that rides wouldn’t be offered if they weren’t offered freely. I feel frustrated by any sense of mismatch in timelines – if I’m having fun, I have the feeling like I’m keeping someone somewhere they don’t want to be; if I’m exhausted and just want to go home, I feel like I’m taking someone else away from their fun for my benefit. Maybe it’s not the wheels I resent so much, but the perceived and actual casualness that comes with possessing them.

Can I Borrow Your Eyes Again?

03 Tuesday Aug 2021

Posted by blindbeader in blindness, Ultimate Blog Challenge

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blindness, disability, vision

I’d like to think that I’m used to living my life with eyes that don’t work well (or, truth be told, at all). I’ve now lived 37 years on this planet with some degree of visual impairment; even when I could see, my spatial awareness was all wrong, and I could never really tell the difference between blue and green unless it was BLUE and GREEN (substitute “red” and “orange”, and you get the idea). Overall, I’ve made my peace with it. I’m a homeowner. I have two cats and a guide dog that I adore, and a partner who makes sure I don’t get stuck inside my own head. My life also includes a new job that I love, a diverse group of friends, and access to tons of technological advances that have made my life even more convenient.

Because, make no mistake about it, blindness can be, at times, extremely inconvenient.

I don’t spend a ton of time worrying about all the things I can’t see; my life is both too full and – at times – I’m devoting large amounts of time to combatting ableism, raising lowered expectations, and deciphering true compliments from backhanded ones. It’s not the “big things” that make my life more complicated – not seeing the faces of my loved ones, not experiencing travel visually – since I have tons of ways I can enjoy the energy of time with dear friends and family, or the sounds and smells and vibe of visiting a new city. It’s the little things that are frustrating – how can I activate my new credit card? How far up the block is the new bus stop? What restaurants are in which order in this mall food court?

Enter… technology!

Today I am revisiting Aira. I’ve written about them before, and while much has changed, so much has stayed the same. I still have a hard time with their customer service model, but it is still a valuable tool in my toolbox.

What is Aira?

Aira is, in effect, an app that connects you with on-demand visual assistance. Think of it as Uber for eyesight. The agents are hired and paid by Aira, but we subscribers pay for the service to be available on demand. When I first wrote about Aira, they had hands-free connectivity to a pair of glasses, which has since been discontinued. Now, it’s strictly a phone app.

What’s it For?

I can go months where I only use their short (free) tasks, just because I only need a set of eyes to make sure my outfit doesn’t clash badly. Or I’ve run into an inaccessible calendar online and need someone to select a date for my next big trip, or to confirm my identity for a new financial institution. However, for longer tasks I have used Aira to find the location of the new bus stop when the city brought in new bus routes. I’ve used it when traveling in new areas when the directions in my head didn’t match the directions on my phone. Though I did stop using the app for about a year due to technical issues with my old phone, since I upgraded my phone last year, it’s been a big help in those moments where five minutes talking with an agent saved me untold amounts of frustration.

The one thing that Aira has done more successfully than other apps and services (which I will write about later) is train their agents in how to provide verbal directions. many experienced agents are old hats at describing areas virtually – even using google maps while I’m sitting on my couch! – and using landmarks that would be useful when I would be visiting the area myself. Phrases such as “I need you to angle your phone to the left and up about an inch” is more useful information than “I can’t quite see the sign, can you… um… move your phone… up?… No, the other way?” (isn’t “up” just one way?)

Current Verdict

Like all tools in the blindness toolbox (of which I hold many), Aira is a very useful one. Even in areas with limited mobile connectivity, in general I find the agents helpful, empathetic, and competent. Even with some minor hiccups, and their ongoing customer service issues, at this point in my life, paying for a set of working eyes is worth the investment.

Blind Lady Gets Sh*t Done, July: A Very Adulting Birthday to Me!

08 Saturday Aug 2020

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ Leave a comment

July was beautiful and soggy and hot and gloomy, flip-flopping uncomfortably almost every day. The yard work sorta kinda got done – whenever it was dry enough to get things done; even housework inside became unappealing. But July had so many bright spots – I’m looking forward to August!

 


July 1-10: The Drowned Rat Edition


Thunderstorms pop up seemingly at random. It’s time to do yard work in the evenings after my work day is done, but the skies regularly open up and dump rain on everything, followed by booms of thunder and flashes of lightning. Wolfie seems to be our storm forecaster, walking around the house and meowing whenever a storm is about an hour away. Thankfully the storms themselves don’t seem to bother any of the critters; they just annoy the humans with their unfortunate timing.

Saturday finally gives us a chance to get some work done outside. The fire pit needs to be moved. In our previous yard cleanup, we found a bunch of bricks that would make a perfect pad for the fire pit in its new location. We rip up some grass and lay the bricks down, but the fire pit doesn’t seem to be well suited to that location. The bricks are removed, the torn grass laid back down as best as we can, and the fire pit moved to the opposite side of the patio from where it had been originally. The barbecue is likewise slightly moved to accommodate it, and while it’s not exactly how we want it, it’s definitely a viable semi-temporary solution. After cleaning and relocating the fire pit, my partner is finally able to light a fire on stuff that he’s been trying unsuccessfully to burn for the past two months. Victory is ours!

 


July 11-17: How did I NEVER Do this?

 


The skies seem to open up in the evenings – my partner has taken to going out and doing yard work during the day while I am working from home – and I feel a certain sense of inequality about this. It doesn’t seem fair to me that he’s doing all the outside stuff while I’m nice and cozy inside. But right now, that’s how things are; I need to come to terms with it on some level.

Saturday, again, the weather gods cooperate. It’s nice and warm, and we’re able to do a few more tidying up things around the yard, such as moving the fire pit bricks we decided not to use into the ever-growing weed-infested dump that is what we’ve dubbed “The Ecopile.” My partner finishes up by mowing the yard, and taking the whipper snipper to get rid of some weeds. I’m feeling decidedly useless at doing things to maintain my yard, doubly so after awkwardly trying to use the whipper snipper myself. What tools can I use to maintain the yard well? I don’t even know where to start! Coming to terms with those thoughts is overwhelming.

Facebook comes to the rescue – in a couple of important ways. Even though my screen is cracked after dropping my phone on the sidewalk, I ask a question of my friends – both blind and sighted – about useful yard implements. A friend calls me from another friend’s house. My friend of a friend is an avid gardener – we all know where I stand on plants, so I decide to defer to her best judgment. The conversation flows easily, and without thinking I blurt out the words “Maybe I’m thinking too hard about this.” The instant I say it, I know that it’s true. As soon as I hang up the phone, my partner and I go back outside and I mow – for the first time in my life – the lawn on the south side of my house. It’s clunky and awkward, and my ability to keep myself going in a straight line is decidedly not present… but the yard got cut! By ME! And I feel… complicated. Will I ever get this right? Why did I never take the opportunity to do this before? Is there a way I can do this on my own without feeling like I’m just going to always suck at it?

Facebook, again, comes to the rescue. Another friend recommends a reel lawn mower – read: manual), and I like the sound of it. There’s no motor, so I can rely on sound cues to orient myself. Now, the big question? Where to get one! My upgraded phone arrives on Tuesday, and I post on my community league Facebook page asking if someone has one I can borrow or that they’re selling for cheap. A neighbor says I can come by and use hers, and even practice on her lawn! This person has met me a handful of times, and trusts me not to horribly mutilate her lawn? I realize I’m internalizing ablist ideas – “of course a blind person isn’t going to successfully mow a yard!” – and even though I know it’s not true, I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m simultaneously thrilled and full of trepidation, and when I walk over to her house on Friday – after once again the weather refuses to cooperate during the rest of the week – I’m ready to see how this goes.


It’s not smooth, it’s not straight, it’s not perfect. But I do it! I’m annoyed that I’m doing a thing for the second time in my life that her 7-year-old has done on the regular. But I do it! My years of experience playing goalball have me well-versed in moving forward and backward both quickly and in relatively straight lines; it’ll just take more practice holding something larger than a basketball. The lack of sound from a loud motor makes navigation so much easier, and I find by the time I’ve mostly trimmed their already-well-cut lawn, I need to get a reel mower of my own.



July 18-25: Tables, tables, Everywhere!

 

I search for reel mowers online, and I locate one I like. Unfortunately it’s not available to be shipped to me, and the local store doesn’t have it. I turn to the classifieds site Kijiji, and find to my delight that someone has the exact same lawn mower I’ve been looking at for half the price. They even deliver it to me free of charge (though I pay them a few bucks for their trouble). The mower goes into the shed, whose door is falling off because the base underneath it is slanting so badly – we need to get that replaced!

A friend from Bible school told me a few weeks ago that she has a small table that she’s not using. My partner and I spoke months ago about turning an area of our upstairs into a mini-games room – a small table, a few chairs, a mini fridge for drinks and snacks – and this table seems perfect! My friend texts me and says the table has been taken out of storage and can she drop it off? Of course I say yes! No sooner does she text me that she’s on our way than the skies open up, dumping so much water that even standing outside for fifteen seconds has my skirt plastered to my skin. My friend runs the table in two pieces from her car to the house, and my partner brings it upstairs so that we can put it together this weekend. By the time my friend leaves only a few minutes later, the sidewalks are soaked but the rain has slowed – she makes it to her car without further incident.

The table is reassembled on Saturday. It doesn’t take long, and it even suits the chairs from the kitchen set I’ve had for most of my life. My partner and I relocate that kitchen set – which has doubled as my “office” for my personal computer and other odds and ends for about a decade – into the room where he’s set up his computer. An old desk he bought when he first arrived here is no longer needed, and is in no shape to re-sell, so he breaks it down and we take it in pieces to the Ecopile. The new table sits proudly in the alcove upstairs where my old kitchen set used to be, and the whole space looks great, like it’s meant to look this way.

 

 

July 26-31: A Very Adulting Birthday to Me

 

 

I decide the carpet underneath the coffee table needs removal. It’s an old carpet, full of hair, and there’s no hope of making it serviceable. The coffee and end tables are removed, the couch and love seat are moved out of the way, and the living room is given a brush-up clean. The curtains are taken down and cleaned again, and the shelves that gave me so much anger six months ago are dusted off and starting to be repurposed. The floors are vacuumed and swiffered, the furniture is brought back and only slightly rearranged, and we call it a day.

 

Since I was ten years old, I wanted a hammock. I have no idea why that’s been one of those quiet things that sits in the back of my mind – those things you don’t talk about or even think about much but have always just sat there – but it’s my birthday this week, and by gosh I’m tired of just thinking about it and not making it happen. I price match hammocks, and find I can get one on sale for a price I can live with. It looks like it might even arrive on my birthday!

 

Jenny has shown her unwillingness to run long distances over the past few weeks. Mid-distances (6-8 km) are still doable for her, but longer distances such as half-marathons aren’t her jam anymore. My friend and guide runner, Ed, is guiding on my birthday half-marathon. It’s the virtual race where everything goes wrong. The short version of things that I learn? If you don’t remember when you bought it, it’s not good to eat on race day… and don’t try eating anything new on race day! Ed is endlessly patient; it’s not the race I wanted, including a nagging injury caused by a lopsided office desk chair, digestive issues due to the lessons learned listed above, heat and humidity, and a rolled ankle at the 19km mark. But I come home triumphant – I have one more medal I can add to my display. I walk through the door and am greeted by a wiggly Labrador, my cheerleading partner, and my seasonal housecleaner. Over the next few hours, my house is transformed into an oasis of tidied organization. My birthday concludes with a wonderful dinner and a relaxing evening of sunshine.

 

My hammock arrives the day after my birthday. My partner and I set it up successfully – after both misinterpreting how the hammock hangs over the stand. I get a chance to briefly try it out before heading over to the community league parking lot, where musicians from the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra are playing a live show. I check people in – I’m the one who set up the Eventbright ticket reservations – along with another member of the community who has helped me get permits and physical distancing markers. The sounds of a bassoon, a French horn, and a harp, fill the summer evening air, and soothe my soul like nothing has in weeks. After the show, my partner and I walk home, and I drift off to sleep in my hammock as the sun sets on another trip around the sun.

Delivery Services: Lifeline, or Laziness?

21 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

choice, convenience, delivery, food, independence, judgment, shopping

Click here to listen to a reading of this postDownload

A few days ago, a local radio show ran a segment that discussed SkiptheDishes – a food delivery service that predates Uber Eats‘ arrival in my part of the world by several years – branching out and now offering liquor delivery in Edmonton. There are several services that have popped up over the years to provide this service, a couple of which I’ve used myself. Even though I discovered just this past week that I’m only a handful of blocks from the closest new bottle of whiskey (knowledge my wallet and my liver both wish I don’t possess), I found myself excited about SkiptheDishes expanding their food delivery service in this way.
I missed parts of the discussion on the radio show, but there seemed to be two opinions on the proliferation of food delivery services such as SkiptheDishes and Uber Eats for takeout – either people pay too much for delivery and/or service fees, so they have more money than sense… or they’re too lazy to be bothered to cook at the end of the day.

These ideas sat really uncomfortably with me. I don’t eat out much – lately my eating out tends to be with my run crew after a Sunday run. In fact, I don’t remember the last time I had food delivered (my phone says October 29, but I know I ordered one pizza since then). Are there people who eat out too much, over-stretching their budgets? Sure. Are there times when people don’t want to cook at the end of the day, even if they have a fridge and a pantry stocked full of yummy food? No doubt. But chronic over-spending and eating unhealthy and/or over-priced food is a choice that people make, whether or not food is being delivered or purchased by an individual directly from a brick and mortar store, and the shaming conversations around food delivery services and choices leave out a whole swath of the population – those whose culinary experience and quality of life can be enhanced by equal access to choice.

I don’t drive. The whole wide world is grateful that I don’t drive – if you’re not, you should be. As such, my choices for restaurants have previously been limited to places I could walk or bus to from home or work, or access by car when a friend or family member or my husband drove. Not so long ago, the only food I could get delivered to my house was pizza or Chinese. Thanks to SkiptheDishes or Uber Eats or Door Dash, I for one am grateful for the amount of choice that’s now been opened up to me. I can try new foods and flavours, or I can order food from that great restaurant a friend and I ate at once, like five years ago, but it’s out on the far end of the city and buses are unreliable at best. Ordering delivery is cheaper than taking a taxi, so in some ways, given my options, food delivery is the best of all worlds, on the rare occasion I choose to use it. Some buildings aren’t accessible to people who use wheelchairs; other restaurants – with lighting and ambiance – could contribute to sensory overload, so some patrons may wish to enjoy the food without those little “extras.” There’s a hundred reasons why people – some with disabilities, many without – choose to use delivery services. There’s no shame in ordering a pizza once in a while – and I’ve never heard shaming language used about Friday night pizza night – so why is having food delivery at our fingertips viewed as a symbol of affluence, apathy, or laziness?

This is food, a basic requirement for life. Not having access to food is a big problem.

Even throwing out the arguments that takeout delivery services are expensive and a luxury and unhealthy… what if you had to use SkiptheDishes or Uber Eats or Door Dash because you couldn’t access a grocery store?

I could have found myself in that position this past week, and it further altered how I viewed the so-called “luxury” services that are becoming part of our everyday lives.

For the past year, I’ve used Instacart to buy groceries. Think of Instacart like the Uber Eats for grocery shopping. Sure, I’ve gone shopping with friends who are just picking up a couple things, and I’ve had friends or neighbours provide open invitations to drive or assist in getting my groceries. When I go alone to a grocery store and ask for shop assistance, it’s a gamble as to whether the person assisting me will be respectful (I was once asked if I was blinded in an accident) or knowledgeable about products (I once had to explain what salsa is). I prefer being able to select my own brands – if not the products themselves – independently, and actually have a little fun impulse-shopping, and a service like Instacart gives me that freedom.

Last week, the Instacart app broke. My screen reader would read aloud items only if they were on the main page. The instant I went into any section – canned goods, meat, produce – all that was read on the screen was  “back, canned goods” or “back deli.” I couldn’t even search for products.  Emails and messages to Instacart went ignored, after I provided a screen shot (even though visually the app functioned effectively). For nearly two weeks, I was able to access the electronic equivalent of the ends of the aisles, literally barred from going down every single one of them.

I’m fortunate. I have choices available to me – access to a desktop computer, whose version of the site wasn’t broken. Friends who were willing to take time out of their day – lots of time – to provide wheels and assistance to this disorganized grocery shopper. Enough food in my cupboards to make it through until the updated app that fixed the problem got pushed to my phone.

What if I didn’t have those choices?

This is food!

I realized how blessed and fortunate I am, in more ways than one. I have access to services like Instacart, but I can also walk into a grocery store if I need a few things. But when it looked like I had few options but to ask a friend to take time out of their day to help me out – or use inconsistent shop assistance – I realized the other things that I’ve somewhat taken for granted.

  • I don’t have to choose between privacy and need (there are just some things you don’t want to say out loud that you need)
  • I don’t have to impose on my friends… or at least I don’t have the feeling that I’m imposing on my friends
  • I don’t have to wait for shop assistance that may or may not be respectful or useful or knowledgeable. This saves an untold amount of mental energy.
  • I don’t have to juggle seven grocery bags and a pack of paper towels… and a guide dog… and worry about finding and paying for a taxi, which I also have to pay for.
  • I can flit around the electronic aisles, spending as much time as I want, and it doesn’t matter if I put eggs in my cart and forgot about the yogurt when I’m almost ready to check out.
  • I don’t have to squint because the bright grocery-store lights are hurting my eyes.
  • I can buy that cookie dough ice cream without thinking about possible judgment.
  • I can ultimately feel like I’m making all of my own food choices, in a way I didn’t realize I have never felt before.

 

My groceries were delivered this morning. And I’m grateful. I’m grateful that I have choices in how I can access one of life’s most basic necessities, and that we all have choices. Maybe it’s time to recognize some people’s choices as the best (and sometimes only) good choice they have. For some, it means driving to the store and choosing that perfect roast for dinner. Sometimes it means sitting around a restaurant table with family and friends. For others, it means answering the door after clicking a few buttons and paying with a credit card. If you think your eating and shopping habits make you unmotivated and sluggish and unproductive, or prone to overspending, then perhaps it might be something worth changing. But one person’s convenience is another person’s lifeline and there should be space for both at the dinner table.

Every Race is a Journey: When Not Great is Enough

16 Sunday Feb 2020

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acceptance, ambassadorship, goals, reflections, running

Click here to listen to a reading of this postDownload

A year ago, I ran my first Hypo Half – and my second half marathon. I had one goal for that race – to beat my first half marathon time – and I came through with flying colours. Right after that race, I hit the pavement and started training for my first marathon in June.

A year later, I’ve run two marathons, raced another half, and enjoyed a beautiful half marathon that was treated like an autumn training run. The runs I’ve raced, I’ve run faster than my previous race. Even when things hit the skids in Sacramento for my second marathon, I still managed to beat my first marathon time six months earlier by nearly ten minutes. I’ve got three marathons planned for 2020, and my goal is to run each one faster than the last. I’m glad I’ve got that planned – because I realize now that if I hadn’t, Sacramento might just have made me think twice about running marathon number three.

I decided to join the Kool Kids (a group of runners who trained together for the Sacramento/Honolulu clinic) in running the second Hypo half race in Edmonton this morning. A year ago, I ran that race with one goal (see above) and something to prove – that I was a bit of a badass and could tackle all that winter had to throw at me. This go-round, the Kool Kids wanted a training run (a 23 km run was slated for our training plan, so a bit more speed and a bit more effort provided the equivalents). Ed, my regular guide runner and training partner, was off on a cruise, so my friend and fellow Kool Kid Mike agreed to guide today, coming on the heels of his best-run marathon just a week ago. I decided to follow Mike’s lead – to wear my Hypo half toque backwards – then turn the logo to the front when we crossed the finish line. It’s a silly thing, I suppose, but we’re runners… enough said.

We started out strong – the first 4 km were solid. I could maintain that pace forever, with the light dusting of compact snow, some icy patches, but nothing to worry about. But the roads and sidewalks became progressively unstable and uncertain the further we went. We had half a kilometer of good footing, then about half a kilometer of snow that felt like running in brown sugar (Mike’s words, not mine). As time went on, I realized that my original hope (to beat last year’s Hypo time of 2:28:22) wasn’t going to happen. My legs got so tired in trying to keep me balanced. I drew encouragement as I waved at other runners who cheered as we passed (Mike says he wants to guide me on another race – he gets more people smiling and cheering for us than he ever has running solo).

“It’s a training run,” I kept telling myself.

But training runs don’t have cheer sections or water stations or music at speakers at the finish line. Training runs don’t trick my brain into thinking we’re RACING so we should run faster. Training runs don’t make me feel like crap… and this one was doing a spectacular job of that. I had to salvage this slow run somehow.

Seize the day! Take the opportunity to try different fuel and hydration options. After what happened in Sacramento, this seemed like a wise choice. I could run a half-marathon – I knew that – but what might be helpful on a race course? They had Gatorade at the water stations, and there’s no better time to try something new when you’re not expecting a speed record and there’s likely going to be parallels to a time in your not-too-distant future that you are. Kilometer 14 saw me with a paper cup of Gatorade – and while I’m not sure it positively impacted me, it definitely didn’t affect me negatively. Score one for Gatorade! Mike and I chatted, waved at more runners, kept pace with another runner and introduced ourselves after the fourth time we swapped positions on the race course.

The finish line drew near, after another kilometer of navigating across a dozen or so unshoveled driveways. I just wanted it to be over and to get inside for the bacon. I flipped my toque to show the logo on the front and crossed the finish line in what is truly the slowest half-marathon I’ve ever run – in fact I think even some walkers came in before I did.

It’s been a few hours now. I’ve had my fill of bacon and fruit – and realized once again that I don’t want potatoes after running a race. I’ve dissected the race, and my thoughts, and I realize I’m carrying some stuff that isn’t mine to carry.

I don’t want people to think that I’m a slow runner because I’m blind; I truly think I represented blind people badly. I realize I’m carrying this because often times I’m the only obviously blind runner on a race course. But I have always hated the idea that just being out there is enough. It’s a strange dichotomy – I didn’t throw everything I had behind this race, and in a way I wish I had. But that would’ve been foolish, truly a recipe for injury.

I need to let all that crap go!

I’ve had some time to think, and while I know people will think that my getting out there was inspirational because BLIND – or my speed (or lack thereof) was attributed to nonfuctioning eyeballs – I know the whole truth.

I went out there to run with the Kool Kids – and I did.

I went out there to finish – and I did.

I went out there to try free and different fueling options – and I did.

I went out there to train – and I did.

None of my actual goals today had anything to do with pushing myself to my limits for Hypo. None of my goals today included proving anything to myself as a runner – I’ve already done that. My goal wasn’t to race Hypo… my goal is to train for Vancouver Marathon in May.

And you know what?

I did that today, crappy footing and all.

So maybe the takeaway from this run – a training run with a medal and a brunch – is to realize the goal that you’ve set may not be for today. It may be a stepping stone, a building block for something further down the line, maybe months or years in the future.

And while I’m all for doing your best… sometimes your best in that moment is knowing when to step back and realize that maybe, just maybe, for a few moments in time, just getting out there and meeting your own objectives – whatever they are – is enough.

And it is enough.

 

Me and Mike at Hypo

Blind Lady Gets Sh*t Done: Laying the Ground Work

16 Thursday Jan 2020

Posted by blindbeader in Blind Lady Gets Sh*t Done, blindness

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

goals, learning lessons, personal, reflections

Click here to listen to a reading of this postDownload

Life seems to have a way of changing us, and teaching us lessons along the way. Sometimes you’re forced to grow, sometimes you can choose to learn. Sometimes you start a thing and you realize along the way that you’re not the same person you were before you started.

I’ve been an adult for almost half as long as I’ve been alive. Over the years, I’ve rented apartments (alone, with a roommate, or with my husband), and have been a partial homeowner for nearly a decade. I’ve been out from under my parents’ roofs since I up and moved to Edmonton more than fifteen years ago. But if I’m completely honest with myself, I must acknowledge I can get by on my own… but I haven’t been as self-sufficient as I’ve told myself I am. That’s a bitter pill to swallow. It’s only been recently that I realized I spent a long time living in a house where – often times – things just didn’t get done. This is not a negative judgment, an assigning of blame, a falling on my sword. The reasons for this pattern are not important, it is simply a fact. Things just got let go.

And I’ve hit a point – and a stage in my life – where if I want something done, I do it myself. Because I’m the only one that can change how things are, so if I want things to be different, I’ve gotta make it happen.

I’ve been living on my own – for the first time in over a decade – for nearly six months, and I’m in a position to be able to make this house my home. I’ve always claimed it as my home, and it is, but I have felt I need to make the changes – big and small – to not just make it my home, but welcome others to it, too. It’s overwhelming – my place isn’t small, and needs a lot of work – but I have abdicated too much for too long. It’s time I take the bull by the horns and get sh*t done. It will be a work in progress – my house is not going to be a magical showplace. It will be imperfect – heaven knows I’m not the best housekeeper in the world (and, no, it’s not solely because I’m blind). I fully expect to fall on my face, to make mistakes, to just not wanna do this… but the time for changing of long-standing patterns is now.

My goal is to learn stuff, to be productive, to get to know the nooks and crannies of the home that I love. how I’ll get there is to tackle one non standard/maintenance project every week for 2020. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – in fact the big things usually are the strongest motivators – but it just has to be a thing that isn’t something that needs to be done on the regular, like laundry or dishes or whatever.

It’s taken months for this goal to take shape. This past fall, when I was cleaning eavestroughs (while my father held the ladder), washing the fridge, cleaning out the hall closet and the pantry (while my partner held open garbage bags and took them outside to the big garbage cans as I wiped down shelving)… I realized this place needs a ton of work. It felt so overwhelming, and like I didn’t know where or how to start. Between training, travel, racing, and life, I didn’t stay on top of things as much as I wanted to this past fall, but I was still maintaining some momentum on this front. A little momentum is better than stagnation. And I liked the feeling.

Then January hit, and with it came a burst of productivity. Call it a New Year’s resolution, or turning over a new leaf. It was happening, seemingly without my input. I was getting stuff done in January. Like just getting sick of how things were and quietly making changes. Why not continue? I like how it’s gone… so start a whole new pattern? Make the goal open enough to be flexible, but concrete enough to see measurable results? Doesn’t research say something about making goals/resolutions/whatever this way?

And as a way to chronicle my journey – the successes and setbacks, the motivation and the lack thereof – why not share my journey in a monthly series of blog posts… because this blind lady’s getting sh*t done! And she’s sure she’s not the only one who wants to be productive on her own terms. She could also use some tips, tricks, and encouragement along the way – no person is an island, and all that.

So, come with me… I’ll be getting dusty, buying stock in vinegar, “cross-training” by lifting things, conceptualizing space, and quite possibly growing up and learning unexpected lessons along the way.

2019: The Year of Blossoming

31 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ Leave a comment

Click here to listen to a reading of this postDownload

2019… What can I say about it?
I would have to say that 2019 was the year of blossoming. I grew in ways that I never knew that I could. I did things that I never thought I would. I’ve had experiences that I will remember for the rest of my life (and a couple that I don’t remember at all).
I chose to take a leap and run a marathon. Not only did I run one Marathon,
I ran two!
I decided to voice a dream that I’ve held quietly for the last five years, to run the Boston Marathon in 2021. And by my stating that goal out into the air, it means I now have to work at it. The work is not done, but I’m ready for 2020’s three scheduled marathons!

I’ve had opportunities to tell my story as a runner. Who knew that running a half marathon in an Edmonton February with my guide dog would lead to being dubbed the most badass woman with the most badass dog in Edmonton? That led to an explosion of texts and messages from my friends – “Call the reporters!” – so I did! Some interviews went better than others… but getting noticed in Canadian Running Magazine was pretty awesome!
I chose to open my heart to new love. It’s always a little scary, but it didn’t feel that way… And it feels like the most organic and powerful thing, making me realize my own strength, which brings more to the table and makes us stronger, which makes me realize my own strength and…
I chose to open my home, to make it a place of gathering and refuge and good conversation. And it has reminded me how much the house actually likes having people in it. Even if it’s just a couple of people sitting over a coffee and a chat, or a small group playing games, or a bunch of people coming and going and talking and eating and drinking and playing music.
I chose to be open about key parts of my identity. I chose to take power over raising awareness of it, because it’s my choice to do so. And in doing that I have made at least one person on this planet feel less alone. I became the person I wish I knew in the early part of 2018, when I was coming to terms with my identity myself. And I was met with so much love and support from all over, it still overwhelms me – nearly bringing me to tears – all these months later.
I chose to open up to friendships, restoring ones that have been dormant for a long time, meeting new people through different avenues, realizing that right now our lives are on the same journey. I’m so grateful to every single one of those people, whether I talk to you every day or just a few times a year. if you’re around and we’ve talked, you are important in my life.
I haven’t written as much as I would’ve liked on the Life Unscripted blog. My life has been jam-packed with races and community-building and flourishing and music and loving and asking myself some pretty deep questions. I hope to carve out some more time to dedicate to you, my faithful readers, in 2020.

But people still found my little corner of the world this year! Even in San Francisco just a few weeks ago, I ran in to someone who recognized me from this blog! I had intended to do some Christmas shopping that day, but I made a connection instead. I didn’t realize until I walked out the door that that connection was what I truly needed in that small slice of space and time.

Just for fun, here are the top 5 most visited posts of 2019!
5. This little sleeper of a book review.
4. The fact that this oldie is still getting this much interest shows me that there is a very serious service dog faker problem.
3. When you meet your people, it is so seamless. “You may not know what my life feels like, but you leave me plenty of open space so that I can fill in the gaps – not because I owe you an explanation, but because you know that so few people leave their agendas at the door.”
2. My little book review that could!
1. I wrote this post last year when I got tired of addressing the inspiration question. Instead of complaining, I figured I’d speak some truth into the air… and the fact it’s gotten more views than the rest of my blog combined… might tell you that it resonates with a lot of people

There’s been so much change and growth in me. I thought I grew in 2018, and I definitely did. But that growth spurred on this place of blossoming I find myself in today. 2019 has proven to be one of the best years of my life – bring on 2020!

If All you Have is “Good Intentions”, Keep them

23 Saturday Nov 2019

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

ableism, consent, disability, education, grabbing, impact, intention, personal, violence

Listen to a recorded reading of this post!Download

I’m a visibly disabled person, navigating my life the best way I know how. I have hobbies, a job, a partner, a home… I buy groceries and commute and sometimes overspend and meet friends for coffee and despair about things that are going on in the world. Some things make me laugh, others make me cry, I avoid some activities and concepts at all costs because they terrify me.
In many ways, my life isn’t that different from anyone else’s.
But what’s frequently the only thing most people – particularly strangers – address about me?
I’m a visibly disabled person…
And I’m tired.
SO VERY TIRED.
It’s like this switch flips in the brains of many people that says “DIFFERENT!” and all propriety gets thrown out the window.
And if someone’s called on it – being politely and then firmly asked to stop asking personal questions, to stop grabbing and manipulating my body, reminding them that a particular action wouldn’t be welcomed if directed at them – I hear the words “But I just meant well” or “I just care” or “I didn’t know…”. As if this gives an automatic free pass.
Because DISABILITY!
And the armchair quarterbacking I’ve experienced on this issue – from people who weren’t there – “They talked to your companion because they aren’t comfortable with you” or “Disability brings out the compassion in people” or “people just want to connect with you on some level…”
NO!
I want to think that people have good intentions, but the reality is that violence against disabled people is far more prevalent than that experienced by non-disabled people. If I just go along, not making waves, thinking that people have good intentions, I am literally putting myself at greater risk (like the time three strangers tried to badger me into taking an elevator instead of the stairs, because they “would feel better” if I did so).
So that idea on its face needs to die, and right now.
But that’s not why I’m writing this.
I’m writing because intentions alone aren’t free passes. “Good intentions” aren’t enough anymore.
Because the impact of “good intentions” is cumulative. At the end of the day, underneath “good intentions” generally lies discomfort with disability, and a complex of superiority – that the non-disabled person is more informed about the world, more entitled to invasion of personal boundaries, and more knowledgeable about the disability experience than a disabled person.
NO!
Someone else’s “good intentions” means that they can walk away from an experience with a disabled person and go about their day. They can pat themselves on the back for doing a “good deed” (which, for the record, is SUPER condescending, and that thought also needs to die); they can walk away annoyed or hurt because their offer of help was declined because the disabled person didn’t need help at all… or they can walk away defensive after being called out because their “offer” of help or interaction crossed physical or emotional boundaries that are generally accepted as universal (except DISABILITY, so rules don’t apply).
But they can walk away and tell their partner about that ungrateful person they reached out to and were told they weren’t needed – or weren’t needed in the way they thought they should be. They can lump all disabled people together because of one interaction with that wheelchair user who asked them to stop pushing their wheelchair, or that blind person who told them they really didn’t want to discuss what made them go blind… That interaction took 30 seconds out of their day and they can move on.
But I can’t.
Because ONE person’s “good intentions” affect that one person for 30 seconds, or maybe a bit longer if they’re self-aware enough to understand their impact and actually make an effort to do better (this is rare, but this does happen).
But I can’t move on from the impact of one person’s “good intentions” because there’s another person’s “good intentions” right around the corner. I struggle to accept true compliments anymore because I receive so many that are based on low expectations of me. I have to forcefully deflect personal questions about my disability itself because politeness rarely works. I have to make a choice between drawing more attention to myself or shutting up and getting along when I’m physically grabbed and directed, when the person doing the grabbing was never given consent to do so.
One person’s good intentions impact them and me. Another person’s good intentions impact them and me. A third person’s good intentions impact them and me.

Impact is more important than intent. One can intend well and still have a harmful impact. And I’m impacted over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
It’s never one person’s action alone, but the cumulative impact that has me – and others – so tired.
And every single person tells me they have “good intentions.”
Those aren’t enough. If that’s all you’ve got, skip them. Good intentions mean nothing when they come from a place of entitlement and superiority.
Do you really mean well, or is it that you want to feel better about yourself?
If you really mean well, take a split second and actually think about the impact of your comments or actions. Would you appreciate the comment or question if directed at you? Would you like to be physically grabbed, or would you prefer to have autonomy over your body? Would you like to spend the rest of your life talking about one personal topic, or would you prefer to talk about sports or the weather or local politics or…? I truly believe that a split second of reflection could have immeasurable positive impact on my experience and – by extension – yours.
And if you just want the warm fuzzies?
Move along… You don’t mean well at all.

Reclamation – A Poem

25 Wednesday Sep 2019

Posted by blindbeader in blindness

≈ 3 Comments

Click here to listen to a reading of this postDownload

I stand in a doorway

Waiting to be invited in.

But the invitation doesn’t come.

You tell me you’re too busy

Or I’m asking too much.

Or you would rather I just go away.

You don’t say these things, of course,

But in every breath and movement

I feel your annoyance at my presence.

But that’s not what you meant?

How else am I supposed to take

Your heavy sighs and simple words?

You talk over me,

Telling me that my perceptions of your (in)action

Are all in my head.

But how can that be?

Impact trumps intent.

And I am being told in word and deed that I am not welcome here.

I take a deep breath and push through the door.

I’m making space here for myself

Since you don’t see fit to.

I rearrange boxes, pull up a chair.
Finding – or carving – a place at the table.

Because I belong here.

I say it out loud:

“I belong here!”

And even if I don’t feel it, it is still true.

I feel like I’ve worked my fingers raw

Moved around furniture and set up shop.

Because the truth is I have.

And I do this too often,

Either standing uninvited on the outside

Or muscling my way in to too many spaces.

But today, I claim this space mine.

I have every right to be here.

And I just need to remember

I always have

The right to exist

To be here

Just as I am.

← Older posts
Newer posts →

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • December 2025
  • January 2024
  • December 2023
  • April 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • October 2022
  • June 2022
  • April 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • October 2021
  • August 2021
  • June 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • April 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • September 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014

Categories

  • Blind Lady Gets Sh*t Done
  • blindness
    • My Sorta Kinda Maybe (In)accessible Life
  • Book reviews
    • Fiction
    • Nonfiction
  • Epic Road Trip of Awesome
  • Exploring Edmonton
  • Finance Friday
  • Guide Dog 2.0
  • New York vacation
  • The Empowered Series
  • The Intrepid Journey 2018
  • Ultimate Blog Challenge
  • Ultimate Blog Challenge, Part 2
  • Ultimate Blog Challenge, Part 3
  • Uncategorized

Meta

  • Create account
  • Log in

Support my blog!

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

What’s gotten folks talking?

RoseQuartz's avatarRoseQuartz on If you Had Told Me…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on If you Had Told Me…
Annie Chiappetta's avatarAnnie Chiappetta on If you Had Told Me…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide Dog 2.0: One Year L…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide Dog 2.0, One Year Later:…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide dog 2.0, One Year Later:…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide Dog 2.0, One Year Later:…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide Dog 2.0, One Year Later:…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide Dog 2.0, One Year Later:…
Carol anne's avatarCarol anne on Guide Dog 2.0, One Year Later:…

Enter your email address here and receive new posts by email!

Join 207 other subscribers

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Life Unscripted
    • Join 207 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Life Unscripted
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...