Beyond my blindness, which is fairly visibly obvious, one of the first things people notice about me is the ring on my left ring finger. Many of them will say something about me being married, and the topic comes around to the fact that my husband is sighted.
“Oh, that’s great!”
Are they happy that I am married, happily, to someone who loves me? That I share my life with someone who carries me through dark times as I try and do for him? That we own a house, laugh at the antics of my guide dog and our three cats, cook, clean, bicker, smile, laugh, share hobbies, misunderstand each other, argue over money or sex or in-laws, smile and nod at little quirks that we just accept about each other?
Or are they happy that he can see?
Thankfully, Ben has told me that we don’t often get people staring at us, unless he is walking me into tables and chairs (something he has struggled with since we started dating). There are no noticeably pitying looks, or no outward looks of admiration…
But it is not uncommon for me (and others with sighted partners) to hear comments about how great it is that their mate is there to “take care of them.” Sure, he cooks a mean lasagna and picks up groceries, but I do laundry and clean the bathroom; if that’s taking care of me, then my contributions to our household are obviously considered “lesser” than his. Often times (though this is not unique to my husband), staff at stores or restaurants will ask what “she” would like. Few things annoy me (and him) more, so often times I will assert myself, or he will direct whoever to speak to me directly. Ben says he often gets questions about how I can read, what I do for work, or if I have a dog – questions that are par for the course when people meet or hear about a blind person. What is incredibly disconcerting is that it is assumed that Ben is my friend, and my blind guy friends are my FRIENDS (my emphasis). It has never been said in Ben’s presence so far as I know, but I have gone for coffee or worked out with blind male friends, and it is assumed that they are the giver of the ring on my finger.
My friend Meagan is engaged to Gregg, who is also blind. I have known them for quite a while now, and find them cute. Not CUTE (“Oh, the little blindie couple!”) but cute (two people who care about each other and still make each other smile despite distance, time and any difficulties that come their way). She says people do think they are adorable in the blind-couple sense, but are alternately upset that Meagan and Gregg (Meagan in particular) don’t have someone to take care of them. It’s a double-edged sword, contingent on the idea that a blind person needs someone to watch over them; it is not a matter of finding someone to love, who happens to be blind (or sighted, in my case). My friend Alicia agrees, going one step further: “First time someone learns I was dating, especially if the curious person was a parent or family member, that was the first question out of their mouths. I used to get angry and ask them why that was their first question, now I just answer it and move on. Usually their second is, what caused his blindness,” she says.
Conversely, I do know other blind people who are resistent to the idea of dating someone sighted, and seem to carry a resentment for those of us who have. On one hand, it appears that blind people with sighted partners enjoy a certain elevated status; on the other, it is assumed that we think we’re too good to “stick with our own kind.”
This conundrum is not unique to the blind, however, though according to one friend we are the only ones who get frustrated by questions about the vision status of our partners. She is deaf-blind, and says “in Deaf or Deafblind culture, it’s very normal to ask. And expected that partner is Deaf or DB. Blind seem to get mad if asked.” She is in a relationship with someone who is deaf; they can both communicate with sign. She says that 90% of “culturally deaf” (people who are either deaf themselves or have a familial connection to deafness, like a child of deaf parents) are in a relationship with others in the same community. I found an interview that seems to bear this out, with a woman named Michele Westfall who has chosen to fully embrace deaf culture with her husband and children. On the other side, Kristen is married to a hearing man, and she says she thinks it is expected that he takes care of her. There is a possibility that any children they have will be born deaf, or they may be born hearing; either way, she hopes to teach them about the value of sign language and the unique nuances in the deaf community.
Ultimately, it puts both deaf and blind in an impossible situation. We are either being taken care of by our sighted/hearing spouse or are too limited or insular to be bothered even trying to break away from the blind/deaf cocoons (real or imagined) that are placed around us by ourselves, our families, or society. Our sighted/hearing mates are treated as heroes for giving up their lives to take care of us or are thought of as lesser beings for dating or marrying someone who isn’t “normal”. If we happen to find a partner with whom we have deafness or blindness in common, there is always the niggling thought that we are perceived to be unable to do any better, so we intermarry out of a desire not to be alone rather than a deep love for one another. More than anything, this thought scares Meagan the most.
The next time you encounter me and Ben walking through a shopping mall, or hear Meagan and Gregg perform in a restaurant, or see Michele Westfall and her husband and family signing while at a sports game, or listen to Kristen and her husband talk over a cup of coffee, just remember that we are all just like you and your partner. Our joys, sorrows, inside jokes and petty grievances are no different from your own. In any healthy relationship, there is care-taking, and some insulation from the outside world; whether one’s partner can see, hear or walk, we all just want to be treated as though being loved is the greatest thing in the world… which, after all, it is!
CORRECTION: Michele Westfall is not married at this time, and was kind enough to correct me for my mistaken perception. In any event, my opinion still stands that a deaf couple still deserves the same happiness, respect and autonomy as a hearing one. 🙂
Life Unscripted 
Thoughtful and interesting post. And you’re right about judgments from others about pairing with those seen as “unlike” the self. There is definitely a palpable relief when people realize my husband is not visually impaired.
Sometimes when someone asks me a question that feels a little intrusive, I counter with, “why?” And depending on the response, sometimes I’m validated in my hesitation and other times I’m reminded people are curious and don’t always think before speaking and really, they meant no offense.
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Great way to look at it! People ask about what they do not know. Just as I would ask a million questions of a professional sumo wrestler, it is something unknown to me. If people are polite, even if they are slightly intrusive, I will generally answer their questions if they act as though they want general, real-life answers; if they just want to go on and on about how sorry they feel for me or how inspirational I am, I just tend to smile and walk away – much easier to do gracefully with a guide dog than it ever was with a cane.
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As I mature, I realize more and more, that we all need other people to “take care” of us, from time to time. Especially now, that I am unable to drive myself to my doctor’s appointments, etc.. Thus the expression, “No man is an island.”. Most people recognize how much of a challenge life can be. It’s about being “human”, not about being blind or sighted. So, it is not at all inappropriate for people to also recognize how important and wonderful it is to have a friend or loved one who is willing and able to be there for us, in whatever capacity we may need.
In our culture, I would say that just about every wife has been teasingly asked the same question, “Has Your husband been taking good care of you?”.
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Julie,
Thank you so much for your perspective on this. I think part of our seeming defensiveness is the sickly-sweet tone that accompanies such comments, not the general idea that my husband takes care of me because he is my husband… if that makes any sense.
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Yep, been getting these comments since marrying a hearing/sighted man. Even after 16 years I get comments from distant relatives “so is he taking good care of you?” Or they’ll comment him “kids are doing so well” he’d snap back “tell her, she did most of the work”
So yeah, never ending battle 😊
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I can only imagine the high stakes involved with children! The perceptions about how one can take care of oneself are bad enough… I can just picture the first thing that someone will ask me when I have a baby: How will you comfort your screaming baby in the middle of the night?
My response will be something like this: what do you do at 3AM and the baby is screaming? It’s not like you can’t hear the sound and pick it up… then you will sit in a rocking chair in the DARK! Hellooooooo?
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Yes, and having raised two children as a sighted person, and knowing how challenging it is, I also wonder how a blind person will know why their baby is crying, if he is grabbing his ear because he has an ear ache, or if he has a sore throat, or has something in his eye, or diaper rash, etc. etc.. And to button his little clothes, to figure out how to work the belts on his car seat, which jar of baby food to feed him, and the hundreds of other small tasks that a parent does daily. Any intelligent person might guess that many tasks would be more difficult for someone who couldn’t see.
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For some reason it wouldn’t let me reply to you directly, Julie R., so I hope you see this.
It is not at all the questions that bother me, simply because people question what they don’t know. But I do take exception to the second-guessing that does happen to blind parents all over the world. There have been cases where children are taken away from blind parents because the mother had difficulty breastfeeding, something that is not uncommon in sighted mothers. But because people can’t imagine how THEY would do XYZ as a parent, that gave a healthcare provider the right to take this child away with no evidence that the child was actually endangered, and without providing helpful input as to how the mother could have made things a little better when feeding her child.
Please do not ever stop asking questions, Julie R.; we are very adept at speaking for ourselves. But just because you can’t imagine life as a blind parent doesn’t mean it has not been done successfully, where one or more blind parents has raised a happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult.
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Hi! I’m the one who interviewed Michelle Westfall. I knew nothing about the deaf culture before getting in touch with her, but I’ve learned a lot from that interview and from people who have commented on it. I never realized the culture and community around it was so tight, apparently for good and bad.
I don’t think I ever truly “got it” until I read your post though. Very interesting and well put. I just wanted to thank you for writing it 🙂
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Thanks so much, Jozii! I found her experience enlightening, as someone with little or no vision would never visually come into contact with a nonverbal deaf person in the course of everyday life.
I am glad that my post helped you “get it”, though I am perplexed by this. I tend to write as a catharsis, trying to pick apart different sides of the issue.
Social media has caused me to broaden my horizons, giving me opportunities to correspond with other blind people, as well as those are deaf or deafblind. When I wrote that I was going to post about relationships between people who were blind and their sighted or blind mates, my direct messages and mentions exploded! I think it addresses one of the deepest and most primal needs we all have – the need to be loved and accepted. This post probably outlines, more than anything else, the unreasonable expectations that are placed on us and our spouses, not only by the general public, but by those who share blindness and deafness with us.
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Blindbeader…umm “nonverbal”? *winces* Deaf people are just as verbal as hearing people are. The only difference is, we are verbal through our hands, just as hearing people are verbal through their mouths. See the difference? We speak a language through our hands. What you meant to say is, we don’t use our voice…as in ‘nonvocal,’ although that really reduces us Deaf people to the standards of hearing people. Not really cool. It’s like us sighted people reducing Blind people to the standards of sighted people. You feel comfortable being a Blind person, just as I feel comfortable being a Deaf person, right? We’re good enough on our own.
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Jozii, really? “good and bad?” Do you realize the hearing society is just as “tight”? All cultures are ‘tight’ and that’s human nature. Why is it automatically “bad” for Deaf people to be tight with each other? Hearing people are just as tight with each other…actually more so, because Deaf people are often expected to act and sound like hearing people in order to “fit in” the hearing society.
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Well, yes. And I would use “good and bad” to describe the hearing society, too 🙂 I believe a tight community is GREAT because without it, a lot of individuals would struggle or feel that they don’t fit in.
But, as this article pointed out, there can be resentment or unaccepting attitudes toward people who are outside the tight community or choose not to be part of it. And in my opinion, that’s a bad thing.
Even though the tight community in itself is a good thing, if it makes members resent non-members I consider that a bad thing.
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You have it all wrong. You’re talking about the Deaf community like it’s a membership club. It’s not a “club.” You don’t “join” a culture. You LEARN about a culture from its natives.
The resentment only comes in if you try to push your way in or try to occupy their space or you judge them using the lens from your culture. In case of interactions between Deaf people and hearing people, remember that hearing people are *privileged people* and Deaf people are marginalized people. The hearing society has a long, long, long history of oppressing Deaf people and trying to force Deaf people to act like hearing people, by destroying our signed languages.
Because of that ugly history, oppression and audism (and unfortunately it’s still going on in 2016), Deaf people are always cautious around hearing people. We still are willing to meet hearing people and get to know them and teach them our signed languages.
But the minute hearing people start judging them…Deaf people naturally will not appreciate it. Which makes sense if you think about it.
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You don’t “join”, but you can choose to embrace your culture or distance yourself from it. I do see your point though, it makes sense. I guess we all need to have a better understanding and respect of each other — which is why I think this conversation is great to have! 😀
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You said: “you can choose to embrace your culture or distance yourself from it”
People who are born & raised in their culture usually take it for granted and usually don’t think about it until they themselves become parents of children, or when their culture is threatened in some way. Their culture is theirs automatically, as their birthright.
Unfortunately with Deaf culture, it only happens if the Deaf child is born to Deaf parents. Other Deaf children who are born to hearing parents either learn about Deaf culture much later in life…or they never learn about it, depending on how they were raised by their hearing parents. Too many hearing parents don’t speak their country’s signed language with their Deaf child…and often transmit the message to their Deaf child that “being hearing is better” by refusing to have that Deaf child learn a signed language and to interact with other Deaf people. That’s why there’s that idea that Deaf culture is an “option” when it really shouldn’t be the case. I was lucky with my hearing parents: my hearing parents signed and made sure I was around Deaf people while I was growing up.
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But by that definition, deaf children with hearing parents are not part of the Deaf culture, since they were not born into it. Yes, that’s sad, hearing parents probably should be more open towards the Deaf, seek out Deaf people in their community and make sure the child is brought up in that setting. But, that doesn’t change the fact that the child wasn’t actually born into the Deaf culture — and therefore he/she can choose to either embrace it or distance themselves from it.
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Deaf culture has a lot in common with gay culture in the sense that membership either comes from their parents (i.e., Deaf parents) or the Deaf/gay child learns the culture from other Deaf people or gay people later.
From Deaf culture perspective, ALL Deaf children are automatically members of the Deaf community, regardless of whether their parents are Deaf or hearing. The cultural component is the part that either the Deaf child grows up with or learns later on. That’s the only difference…unfortunately imposed by the hearing society (or straight society, in relation to gay culture).
There’s no “embracing” or “distancing”…if such a choice is present, it’s because the privileged society (i.e., hearing parents) interfered with the natural enculturation process by withholding the Deaf child from that cultural knowledge.
You don’t see other cultures talking about ’embracing’/’distancing,’ do you? They just get to be who they are within their culture.
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Well yes and no. Actually, I’m gay, and though naturally my straight parents didn’t bring me up into a gay culture I’ve been introduced to it plenty in my adult life. And though I have nothing against it, I have chosen not to be apart of it. Perhaps embracing vs distancing are two extremes but the concept is the same. I enjoy pride parades as a social gathering but I have not embraced it the way some of my friends – gay and straight – have. So I disagree with you that there isn’t an element of choice.
It might be hard to compare though. As a gay person you don’t need a community (it helps in terms of being accepted, but assuming people around you accept you anyway the gay culture serves a purely social purpose). There’s no language to learn, no aid to receive that makes being gay easier. For a Deaf person I’m guessing having a common language is a help. Your hearing parents can help by learning the language. My gay parents can’t learn to be gay.
Another thing that comes to mind is that I travel a lot. I’ve lived more than half my life abroad. In a way, I have distanced myself from my own culture by being perceptive to other cultures. I now find it hard to go back “home” and experience the parts of my original culture that I have either forgotten about or even straight up disagree with. Perhaps it would be the same for a Deaf person who has been brought up in the Deaf culture but then spent years away from it, learning about and getting used to the hearing culture?
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The so-called ‘element of choice’ would not be a factor if the parents make it clear from the start that it is okay for the child to be either Deaf or gay, leaving the child with a positive attitude towards either culture (or both in some cases).
I have seen again and again that if the person thinks s/he doesn’t need the ‘community,’ it’s because s/he has internalized the majority society’s negative views of that community and been led to believe that the support of the community network isn’t good or essential for her/him and her/his holistic well-being.
And no, it’s different for Deaf people because we are always *around* hearing people, from birth. It’s virtually impossible NOT to be “away” from hearing culture. Deaf people are always surrounded by hearing culture, through media, businesses, neighbors, etc. Even our Deaf schools have hearing people working in there as teachers or administrators or staff. Even if a Deaf person was born in a Deaf family, they would still be surrounded by hearing culture the minute they turn on the television, open a newspaper, get online, or leave their house.
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Thanks for pointing out my unfortunate word choice. My apologies! It’s a choice I don’t believe I have made since and will not make again. I have spoken at length with deaf or autistic people (or, if you prefer, people who are deaf and people with autism), some of whom use vocal verbal speech and others who do not. I cringe as I read my comment now, nearly 18 months after I wrote it. My sincerest apologies. I will leave it intact, however, for context and nuance.
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Michele,
Your question about my feeling comfortable with blindness also brings to mind a certain set of expectations that are placed on me by those who can see. Please indulge me.
I am comfortable as someone who cannot see. It’s become an important part of my identity, and I’ve found and/or learned and/or fallen over ways of living life as an independent, confident woman who is blind.
But people TREAT me like I’m almost an alien creature… either that or an infant. They see nothing wrong with grabbing my body and MAKING me go somewhere, treating me like I can’t speak up for myself, question me about my ability to use a computer… and that’s just off the top of my head with one cup of coffee.
In many ways, I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I think it’s possible. But it means viewing myself as a blind person who fits in in the world without disability. This does not mean downplaying my blindness, because that’s exhausting and not possible; nor does it mean hanging out exclusively in the “blind world”. If we want to be treated like the intelligent, capable people we are, we (as blind people) can’t isolate so completely; doing so tells the sighted world that we ARE too different or odd or insular to be “normal”, to be employed, to raise families. I’ve seen it over and over and over again. One CAN be a person who is comfortable with blindness and its culture and morres and still wish to engage and live in the sighted world. The two are not mutually exclusive.
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I understand exactly what you mean about being treated like an alien creature. Deaf people get that all the time. Like you, we culturally Deaf people see ourselves as Deaf people who aren’t disabled.
But…your use of the word ‘isolated’ was unfortunate, because that word has often been thrown at us Deaf people by hearing people or used as a weapon to force us to behave like hearing people in order to fit in and be “accepted” by them. We Deaf people have a different take on things. Because the world is already full of hearing people, we Deaf people will automatically interact with them wherever we go: stores, restaurants, businesses, etc. That’s fine with us and we deal with these hearing people as needed. But when it comes to our personal and social lives, we find that there’s a greater freedom in interacting with people who understand our culture, our signed languages, and our way of life. We find that it’s far more satisfying and freeing to not have to constantly defend ourselves in our personal and social lives and that we can enjoy our space. We find that we value our Deaf space that much more because we know it’s perfectly good as it is. This is our normal. We’re fine with being different. Everyone is different. The trick is not to allow the majority (like hearing society or sighted society) dictate standards and terms, like “normal” or “bad” or “isolated” or whatever…because that’s how they subtly convey the sense that your life as a Blind person with other Blind people or my life as a Deaf person with other Deaf people is somehow not good enough and that our lives only count in relation to what we do with hearing people or sighted people.
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You are a gifted writer! Hearing your insights about life as a blind person is very interesting, too! Keep up the good work! Julie
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Thanks so much, Julie! I can only say that my writing reflects my own experiences, unless otherwise stated. I hope to give a balanced, healthy perspective, without resorting to anger, self-pity or pie-in-the-sky pronouncements about how great being blind is; obviously, life is somewhere in the middle.
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Had to leave the part about me walking you into chairs didn’t you?
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But of course, my love! Besides, you mentioned it when you so eloquently described your thoughts on the subject, so it’s fair game, right? 🙂
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So…uh…what she said. Really brilliant. I think we all needed a post like this–a post that isn’t afraid to go straight at the matter. We’re people, and people fall in love for the same reasons, generally. Disability doesn’t (and shouldn’t) change that.
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Thanks, Meagan, how true! Thanks for giving me awesome quotable material 🙂
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Every sense I broke up with my ex my mom has been wanting me to date a sighted person. I’m not completely against it, but I don’t want to date a guy just because he’s sighted, and can take care of me, and drive me places.
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And dating someone solely for those fringe benefits is a fast-track for misery; you will never know if he is truly there because he cares for YOU, or because he feels sorry for you, and he will enjoy being needed for a while but then come to resent it. You need to bring your best self to a relationship. This is not to say you need to be perfect, but you do need to recognize what strengths and weaknesses you bring to a relationship.
Conversely, the more comfortable and secure you are in yourself, your goals and your capabilities, the more likely you will be to have a healthy relationship with someone, sighted or blind.
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Coming from a slightly different side, growing up with you as a good friend in high school and after, these posts remind me that I am one of the lucky few to get a chance to understand and know you without even thinking about “your blindness” but just considered you one of my friends.
I still remember the time you told me that your mom let you drive. We were all around that age and I was excited for you, joining us who were also learning to drive. I think it took me a few hours before I realized that you wouldn’t have been able to see where you were going! I remember coming back to you later after and asking for details lol.
Also, through friends at work, I was pointed to this article. It isn’t about the blind or deaf community, but your post reminded me of it, and I thought I would share.
http://m.thestar.com/#/article/news/insight/2014/10/05/surprise_disabled_people_have_sex.html
Thank you for writing this and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Maybe this will make others think before opening thier mouths. (Unlikely, but one can hope)
Crystal
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Crystal, always wonderful to hear from you! 🙂
I think in many ways it was easier to shrug blindness off in high school, simply because I had a smoother experience than did many others I knew or have met since. On our shopping trips, I never once felt like you were guiding me somewhere; we were just two girlfriends going “bouquet” shopping 😛
I do remember the first time I drove a car, and the total shock that it had been set up for my 18th birthday. When I was told, “Here’s the keys, you’re driving this car,” I remember nearly throwing them back and telling him he was an idiot 🙂
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So true, half of the time you were guiding me! And French is a complicated language to me. Bouquet, boutique… it’s easy for me to mix the two up! Haahaa.
Life changes so much out of high school. And I look back at it, and even with the drama and boys, sometimes it feels as it was so much easier back then.
I love reading your blog, is there a way to subscribe to it, and have notifications when you write a new one?
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Crystal,
Sometimes I agree that high school seems easier, looking back… but at the time things all felt soooooooo hard! LOL
Yes, you can follow my blog from its main page and receive email updates whenever I make a new post.
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Haha! I had to sign up before I could follow you.
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this is a really interesting post. I have dated both sighted and blind people. When I had sighted girl friends, there were the assumptions that she took care of me. When I had a blind partner, there were often questions about how we did things. I had a child with my blind wife at the time. Two blind partents with a sighted kid gave rise to a whole new set of questions and comments.
even now, people assume that our child who is going to bee 8 in a couple of weeks has some responsibilit to take care of his parents. I am probably over the top at making sure this doesn’t happen. Sure, now that he can, I will ask him to read things like directions on a food package or help sort out junk mail from real stuff. While I can do this independently, it is a whole bunch ffaster to ask him to take 30 seconds and tell me who things are addressed to. However, when we travel and things, it is not his responsibility to get us anywhere safely. even when I used to carry him around in a back carrier and he could hardly speak, a few people told him how wonderful it was that he braught daddy for a hair cut. this might prompt my own post as I am starting to notice that he resents parents that are obviously different sometimes. not a huge deal but not something I expected.
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Great post! I’m a blind guy who has experienced it from both sides of the fence, so to speak. I was first married to a sighted person, and that marriage crashed and burned. Very long story, but there was plenty of fault to go around, mostly mine. I can admit now, nearly 25 years on, that one of the main reasons I got married was to have someone take care of me. Resentment built up on both sides, with predictable results. For the past three years I’ve been married to a wonderful blind woman, and I can truthfully say our marriage is a true partnership. I would never say that blind/sighted unions (I’ve actually seen them referred to as mixed marriages) are a uniformly bad idea, but I would say that both partners need to go into the union with (absolutely no pun intended) both eyes open. You and ben seem to have a great marriage based on mutual respect and without underlying expectations, and that’s good to see. Thanks for writing this, and sorry if I was a bit wordy.
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Kevin,
No problem; you are very articulate! Be as verbose as you want, so long as it ends at some point 😛
It takes guts to acknowledge unmet expectations on both sides. Ben and I have a good marriage now, but it came, like all good marriages, after some time working through unmet expectations and struggles in communication. Being blind means there’s certain things I will not reliably be able to do; Ben won’t let me near the lawn mower!
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Very wel-said. I am totally blind and my husband is sighted. We have two sighted children, ages almost 4 and 1. I am constantly struggling to teach the public that my family doesn’t take care of me, excpet in all the normal ways, taht we all take care fo each other. Now that my son is getting older, I have had a few experiences wehre store owners and other members of teh public have told him taht he’s doing a nice job helping his mommy and that makes me so angry but I try to just let things go, as it’s not always worth it to educate a store owner I will never see again.
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Thanks for posting, Ronit! I can imagine the frustration… maybe turn it around on them; ask them if their kids “helped” them by carrying the cheese in the grocery store, or adding chocolate chips to cookies. Every single one of them will say yes, and I bet you a little light bulb will go on…
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Reblogged this on The Traveler.
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I thought this was a well written and well thought out post, which is very true to life and relatable. I’m looking at it from an older perspective
Iam blind woman married over four decades to a sighted husband, who developed major ongoing health problems in his early thirties, while we were raising three children. While it is true that he could drive during most of these years, I was the caregiver. Marital relationships, like any other, are not 50/50. Sometimes one spouse is giving 100% and it doesn’t work out to be an equal amount of time. But a happy, loving, successful marriage means we are both willing to give whatever our partner needs, knowing that will be reciprocated. Now that we are into our forty forth year of marriage, we love one another and take care of each other, without thinking about why a need exists, blindness, health, or other, it doesn’t need a label. Strangers may not understand. They may assume or question. But you reach a point in life where it just isn’t important anymore. In fact, it can be funny. When, a waitress asks what she wants, one of us usually replies, with a laugh, she’s blind, not deaf.
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Donna, this is brilliant! Thank you so much for writing 🙂
It is awesome hearing from those who have been married longer than myself, who have gone through hard times and come out stronger for it. Thanks so much for your outlook as a wife first and a blind woman second; if I wore hats, mine would be off to you!
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Hi…I enjoyed your article. However, I do need to let you know that I am divorced (and wasn’t married at the time of my interview), and you might want to correct the part about “my husband” in your article, since there isn’t one. 🙂
Glad to know you enjoyed my interview…you can also find me in http://www.quora.com, as I answer many Deaf-related questions in there.
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Hello, Michele,
Thank you SO much for stopping by!
Thanks for letting me know! I will write an addendum to this post to correct my error; though my opinion still stands (a deaf couple deserves the same respect as a hearing one or a deaf/hearing partnership).
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I completely agree with your opinion (and was in no way criticizing your opinion at all!). Thanks. 🙂
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First off, if you’re reading this with a screenreader, be aware that I put several words in quotes for the sake of sarcasm, so maybe you’ll want to turn punctuation announcement on or you might really be pissed off at me. Anyway … This was a wonderful post that speaks to the conundrum that I’ve struggled with for years. As a woman in my thirties, I have never been in a serious, longterm relationship. I have always attributed this, in large part, to my blindness, while in truth it is as likely or more so shaped by relationships among my family members and I, issues with self-esteem and confidence, and probably countless other factors that exist along with my blindness as a part of my own human experience. Growing up, I was made to feel ashamed of who I was because of my blindness, most strongly by my mother (calling Dr. Freud!), and because of this, I strongly resisted the idea of a relationship with a blind man for years. To my way of thinking, I wanted to be able to do “better” than that. I looked upon a relationship with a sighted man as a kind of proving ground; if I could have that, I would be “good enough”. And of course, my perceived expectations of the sighted mainstream that, of course a blind woman would be with a blind man, who else would want either of them? just served to cement my feelings on the matter. As time when on and I was perpetually single, I began to think that maybe I would just have to bite the bullet and “stoop” to considering blind men. Not that there were any of those knocking down my door either. In any case, this mixed-up and self-defeating set of ideas is proving hard to overcome, never mind that I have close friends who are blind and in healthy and happy relationships with other blind people, and that I admire and enjoy seeing these relationships on a day-to-day basis, and that this admiration and enjoyment has nothing to do with the fact of their blindness. This comment is turning into a maze I don’t know how to get out of, so I’ll leave off here, but I’d be curious to know if anyone else had any of these thoughts in common? Maybe they already posted them; I haven’t read the previous comments yet. …
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